Dennis Prager Woos The Wife He Doesn’t Have.

(noon. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

“My, your marital obligation looks lovely tonight and in the light of these florescent tubes (candles are for sissies) may I tell you that I treasure your choice to submit to the duties of your vows MORE today than on the day you signed your name to a contract dooming you to a life of faking it for sake of my self-image!”

“Come over here and let me gaze on the luster of your manufactured eagerness and whisper sweet guilt-trips in your ear. ‘How do I love thee?’ Well, to quote the poet Elisabeth Barrett Browning

‘Let me count the sex acts per month!’

Or the aptly named e.e. cummings

‘Don’t cry

-the best gesture of my brain is less than

your willingness to wear crotchless panties, which says

we are for each other.’

…for it is only in the abundance of anal-beads and latex masks and Ikea Fundergalo™ hanging, washable, sex-swings that a shallow, ego-driven man like me can measure the worth of a possession such as yourself.

Oh wife… first wife… when I am old and grey I will look back on these, the salad days of your love for me, and tell my third wife of that trick you could do with your pelvis that me know the full depth of our affection and she and I will think fondly of you, wishing that menopause and back-problems from that car accident had not deprived you of the ability to care for me the way you once did.

Sweet what’s-you-name, while most other men might compare their passion for their betrothed with that of Romeo’s for Juliet, I tell you from the bottom of my testicles that I love you as much as Caligula did his throng of supplicants, because while Juliet only got to “show” her love but a measly once, those ancient Roman gentlewoman would thrice a night bestow the ever fullness of their hearts upon Caligula… so as not to be thrown in a dungeon with a hungry lion.

Your lips say, ‘No’, but your eyes say, ‘I so buy into a 50’s view of marriage… the 1350’s.’

Now let me put on the Barry White and open up the boxed wine, because the time for uninspired, court-mandated foreplay has come to an end, in favor of the six and a half minutes where you pretend not to be disgusted by my lack of intellectual curiosity and the general stink of my moral, religious, and political capitulation so that I can close my eyes and pretend that you are BeyoncĂ©.”


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  1. …handing out advice to women. Excellent.

    • Edger on December 28, 2008 at 21:18

    So what? That is the way [I] is made.”


  2. on this ever popular subject SEX. I know your a funny guy but your F’ing smart to boot. I have spent the last 3 days steeped in the sexual mores of American life both legal and ?. Jeeze what a mine field. No wonder this country is so weird with it’s sexual history, Scarlet A’s, silicone breasts, witch burning, assorted raping and pillaging and then the ever present mother fucking preachers, good God. The tragedy (and humor does encompass the absurdity of tragedy) is this insanity spills into every aspect of our lifes, Wars, advertising, self images, and most profanely divinity and government(laws).

    The divine penis, testosterone as the sacred. Pump your neck up with steriods, conquest it’s masculine, don’t be a wimp, and ladies you know you like it. Sorry for the rave. Warren started it for me. This is not an issue to be separated from the whole as it has formed our culture our attitudes and worst of all our policies supposedly democratic. Funny but it hurts that the menz progressive even defend this outlook and say to a woman who has managed to wade through this shit, your just a feminista, I have my needs it’s you baby it’s you.        

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