Depression (both types), panic (two types), suicidality, etc

I’ve posted before that I have been suicidal in the past (long ago). I’ve wrestled with depression and suicidality, both before and since.

Then there’s panic. I’ve posted that I was in the WTC when the planes hit. I didn’t panic then. But panic hits me in weird ways — I’m not afraid of flying, but I’ve been scared of the lines. In the blackout a few years ago, I was at the Bronx Zoo with my son, and got very lucky to get home in a cab…. walking 10 miles in the dark with a child is not something good. I’ve had more nightmares over that than over the 9/11 thing.

Now the stock market is crashing. OTOH, I’m OK. I won’t say what I’m worth, but I’ve got a job that doesn’t seem threatened, and even if I lost it, it would be a LONG time before I had no money. But some diaries lately (mostly over at big O) have me in a state.

And insomnia. I’ve got that, too. And have my whole life, never subsiding but getting better or worse at different times. I’ve received many recommendations like consulting a sleep physician, invest in a good mattress, and more. Later on, perhaps, for the latter part, I might purchase a mattress similar to best mattress New Zealand or ask my friends for their opinions.

At some point in our lives, we have all had sleepless nights; some more than others. But imagine having this problem every single night? Let me tell you from someone who knows. This isn’t fun. I know I should probably look into different treatment methods; I’ve heard that CBD works wonders for tackling those sleepless nights. I’ll have to look into the Best CBD Tinctures, but I wish I could just get to sleep normally without the help of anything.

You stare out the window and realize how peaceful it is and are mesmerized by the stars. As pretty as they are, all I want to do is sleep. I mean, how hard can it really be?

It’s actually harder than you think. I’ve tried everything you can think of, and as a result of nothing working, I have recently turned to my friend for help. He said that I should probably think about having a look into certain types of CBD products that helps with insomnia, to see if this could make a difference to my nighttime routine.

I guess I’ll just have to see how effective this will be then, won’t I? I just really hope it gets resolved soon. I just want to sleep!

I’ve been in therapy about half my life (not now).

I’m learning disabled, I’ve got a thing called nonverbal learning disabilities (more or less similar to Aspergers)

Not even sure why I am writing this. But I feel like I might get something out of it. Or maybe someone else will. I don’t know.


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    • plf515 on October 10, 2008 at 04:19

    from big Orange … although I may show it there on Monday or something.

  1. … as buhdy (I believe) has said on more than one occasion:

    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.


    As a fellow lunatic (three months in the bin, which I’ve essayed about here before), I think we will be needed!

    (I don’t quite have an emoticon to put here, one that mixes smile and grimace with a soupcon of some other weird quality.)

    • Edger on October 10, 2008 at 04:51

    that you could lose everything, or of losing everything, since the financial crisis news of the past couple of weeks?

    • Robyn on October 10, 2008 at 05:12

    The crazy places are out here:

  2. reminds me that the power of fear is in its anticipation.

    I don’t dismiss that because I’m one of those that is probably very likely to loose my job in the next couple of years (I have time to plan AND/OR be afraid).

    But what we can actually do about anything happens in the NOW.  

  3. I started getting full blown panic attacks during the 2000 election cycle. Another reason I hate Bush. The connection between reality and the official storyline broke. For most of my life I have lived on the edge and yet removed from the stream. It seems to me that part of the problem is trying to adjust your real self to the outside insanity of our present culture.

    Maybe all times are this nuts and we just carry this inner reality which see’s the insanity and cannot reconcile itself to calling this world /society normal. I do think this time and space were living through is as my acupuncturist likes to say ‘out of whack’. Hard to keep balance or ‘sanity’ when madness reigns. Maybe you could as I keep trying to do let it go. Let it fall apart. Lean into the fear. Read an excellent book on this subject called When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron.  


    • sharon on October 11, 2008 at 18:07

    i’ve had dinner with you and the thought weird never crossed my mind.  then again, i guess you have to consider the source.  😉  you struck me as fairly solid, feet on the ground kinda guy.  i also know you are there for your family as yours has been for you.  i also know that you are there for the rest of us to the extent that you are able.  and i get the sense that you are able to assess your strenghts and weaknesses better than most.  i have sent your diaries at dkos to my mum as inpiration in working with my younger brother with aspergers.  you’re allowed to panic.  and what better place to do it than with friends.  thanks for being so open and honest.  and know that if you have come this far, you will get thorugh this too, whatever it throws at us.

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