ENVIROFASCISTS!!! AAAAAIIEEEAAAGHHH!!!!

( – promoted by buhdydharma )

OMG, these Republican morans never learn.

Some of you with memories longer than a fruit fly’s may recall that, oh, last week (and, for that matter, every week since September 11, 2001), every right-wing neocon legislator screamshow host Supreme Court justice  BushCheney clone was fulminating about how Islamofashionists posed an imminent  threat to your personal safety and that of your children and dog.

The reason – last week’s reason, anyway – was that by granting the right of habeas corpus (that quaint legal notion which we are quite certain is not guaranteed by that other quaint legal notion, the U.S. Constitution) to actual, y’know, people would cost us a city. Sorta like Katrina, only wearing a hijab. And carrying the Magna Carta.

This week, we have a new THREAT TO THE SECURITY OF OUR GREAT NATION THAT COULD CAUSE THE LOSS OF AN ENTIRE PRODUCTION RUN OF LINCOLN NAVIGATORS, or maybe even bring about a decline in the value of Dick Cheney’s and James Inhofe’s petroleum-soaked stock portfolios.

I am speaking, of course, of the ENVIROFASCISTS!!!!

Aaaaiiieeeeeeeghhhhhhhh!!!!!

They’re after your CHIIIILLLLLDRENNNNNNN!!!

They want to steal your HOOUUUUUSSSSSSSE!!!!

They’re trying to KIIIIILLLLLL YOUUUUUUU!!!!

Because, y’know, anyone who truly loves this country not only wears a flag lapel pin in the shower, but also wants to drill for gasoline wherever it might possibly be.

Because, y’know, once we do that, the price of gasoline will go down to $1.50 a gallon, and poor people will be able to drive Escalades again.

Because, y’know, the people who make gasoline for Americans are patriots. They want poor people to be able to drive Escalades again, like when Reagan was president.

And the people who want to stop them from making gasoline for Americans are America-haters. And they hate poor people, too.

And there might be gasoline under the Eskimo Wildlife place. Which would solve $4 gasoline.

And we should also look under Florida, because people there need gasoline, too. And the poor people.

And, y’know, there’s gasoline under lots of places you might not think of. There might be gasoline under Yosemite National Park. And the Grand Canyon. And Wrigley Field. Also Central Park and Mille Lac. And Niagara Falls has gasoline.

I’m pretty sure there’s gasoline under your house, right now. We can solve our gasoline problems RIGHT NOW if we can drill for gasoline in your front yard.

Help our great country survive this threat. We know what we have to do.

Don’t let the America-haters hate America.

Save America: Drill for more gasoline.

EVERYWHERE.

NOW.

Also available in Orange

30 comments

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  1. Whew! – it’s hard not to get worked up when you know how easily we can fix $4 gasoline!

    (Note to Republicans: We’re not scared – or stupid – so STFU about drilling, you morons.)

    • pfiore8 on June 18, 2008 at 11:47 pm

    A new method would have to be found. It was time to turn the Red Scare into the Green Scare.

         Must Read: Behind the Republican Attack on Science

    • Edger on June 19, 2008 at 12:23 am

    There are billions of ’em swimming across the oceans as we speak with knives between their teeth and when they get here lookout. They going to slash your radials in your driveway if you even think about driving to Safeway for your weekly load of lab prepared meals that will unwind your DNA and preserve you body like a frog in formaldehyde before you can say bleecccch!

    Just ask ann coulter…..

  2. If you could capture all of the flatulence emitted by Congresspersons and media talking heads and make it burnable in an internal combustion engine, you could design the flatulence car and then build them and then gasoline would be $.75/gallon again and the auto industry would boom.  That would be productive way to harness what stinks in the nation’s capital.  Everything else is just, well, everything else.  Just saying.  

  3. I love it!

    Maybe, that’s just the sort of thing we should use to measure the degree of “fascism” in our country!  

    Stick it up their collective rectums and let their “rectums” be our guide!*

    *Nothing else seems to have worked!

    • Mu on June 19, 2008 at 5:11 am

    Children’s television hosts gone wild:  Romper Roomofascists!

    Japanese paper-folding kids TAKING OVER THE WORLD!  Origamiofascists!  (Mishima will update within hours!)

    Run!  Run!  (but, first, look under your bed!)

    Mu . . .

  4. …political satirists.  Thanks, OC.

    • RUKind on June 19, 2008 at 6:06 am

    True dat.

    Shanti.

    • brobin on June 19, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    The determination shown by politicians and petroleum companies to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge cannot be explained by the quantity or the value of the fossil fuels they might extract. At the present rate of usage, the total projected reserves beneath the potentially exploitable “1002 area” of the Refuge’s coastal plain is estimated at a few billion barrels of oil, a reserve that would support the nation’s oil habit for 200 days. To cover the high cost of drilling in the refuge, which is ice-bound most of the year, the price of oil extracted there would have to exceed the highest prices projected by industry and government experts.

    Sure, it’s a stupid idea and has been and will continue to be completely politically motivated, however, it sure would make Republican’s happy, and isn’t that all that matters?

    Money is for nothing and your oil for free…..

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