Hillary Math: Ambition, Distraction, Uglification and Derision

The construct is not mine; you can thank Charles Dodgson for that.

Not that Hillary’s campaign bothered to thank him – my guess is they adopted the Mock Turtle’s curriculum strategy all by their brilliant selves. I mean, it does seem like it was tailor-made for the campaign they ran, doesn’t it?

`I couldn’t afford to learn it.’ said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. `I only took the regular course.’

`What was that?’ inquired Alice.

`Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with,’ the Mock Turtle replied; `and then the different branches of Arithmetic — Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.’

`I never heard of “Uglification,” Alice ventured to say. `What is it?’

The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. `What! Never heard of uglifying!’ it exclaimed. `You know what to beautify is, I suppose?’

`Yes,’ said Alice doubtfully: `it means – to – make – anything – prettier.’

`Well, then,’ the Gryphon went on, `if you don’t know what to uglify is, you ARE a simpleton.’

In spite of everyone else in the political world declaring her campaign over, Hillary, using her unique math skills, continues to see what no one else can: how she can cobble together enough delegate votes to be declared the nominee. Now, most of us who studied Arithmetic in school are limited in our calculations to using the standard tools of Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication and Division – but that’s probably because we went to those non-white, non-working, elitist schools.

Hillary and her inner circle, on the other hand, are free of such obvious handicaps as using conventional, elite Arithmetic –

Elite opinion is always on the side of doing things that really disadvantages the vast majority of Americans

– “the vast majority of Americans named Hillary Clinton,” she meant. So Hillary and her advisors instead have prudently chosen to pursue the Mock Turtle’s methods:

Ambition: The very foundation of Hillary Math.

Distraction: Rev. Wright, Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, et al.

Uglification: Apologies to all working, hard-working Americans, white Americans.

Derision: Actually, Hillary Math reverts in this case to the old-fashioned, elitist tool of Division, but “Derision” is not off the table – in the event that alliteration – or obliteration – is necessary.

As the Clinton camp each day gives us a new lesson in Hillary Math, that lesson has a particular effect on Democratic chances to take the White House in November:

`That’s the reason they’re called lessons,’ the Gryphon remarked: `because they lessen from day to day.’

Now, some have speculatated that Hillary might have a special plan in mind to secure the nomination, a plan that would ensure that the Democrats don’t have a nominee until the convention in September.

`What a curious plan!’ exclaimed Alice.

Curious, perhaps, but not surprising. Hillary, you see, has been talking with her (very expensive and always insightful) campaign consultants, the Walrus and the Carpenter:

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,

“To talk of many things:

Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–

Of cabbages–and kings–

And why the sea is boiling hot–

And whether pigs have wings.”

. . .

“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,

“Is what we chiefly need:

Pepper and vinegar besides

Are very good indeed–

Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,

We can begin to feed.”

“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,

Turning a little blue.

“After such kindness, that would be

A dismal thing to do!”

“The night is fine,” the Walrus said.

“Do you admire the view?

“It was so kind of you to come!

And you are very nice!”

The Carpenter said nothing but

“Cut us another slice:

I wish you were not quite so deaf–

I’ve had to ask you twice!”

“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,

“To play them such a trick,

After we’ve brought them out so far,

And made them trot so quick!”

The Carpenter said nothing but

“The butter’s spread too thick!”

“I weep for you,” the Walrus said:

“I deeply sympathize.”

With sobs and tears he sorted out

Those of the largest size,

Holding his pocket-handkerchief

Before his streaming eyes.

“O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,

“You’ve had a pleasant run!

Shall we be trotting home again?’

But answer came there none–

And this was scarcely odd, because

They’d eaten every one.

Perhaps by the time Hillary’s Math Lessen is over, she, too, will have eaten every one.

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  1. A look at some of the chapter titles from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is amusing:

       * Chapter I: Down the Rabbit Hole

       * Chapter II: The Pool of Tears

       * Chapter III: A Caucus-Race and a Long Tale

       * Chapter IV: The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill

       * Chapter V: Advice from a Caterpillar


    • TomP on May 8, 2008 at 22:50

    You must think this is Daily Kos.

    I left Daily Kos to avoid these boring primary diaries.  

    • jim p on May 9, 2008 at 04:39

    What we are seeing at this point is no more than a temper-tantrum by this spoiled, greedy child.

  2. In summer when the days are long

    Perhaps you’ll understand this song:

    ‘I sent a message to the fish

    I told them “This is what I wish.”

    The little fishes of the sea

    They sent a message back to me

    The little fishes’ answer was

    We cannot do it Sir because …

    “I went to them again to say

    “It will be better to obey.”

    The fishes’ answered with a grin

    “Why what a temper you are in!”

    I told them once, I told them twice

    They would not listen to advice

    I took a kettlelarge and new

    Fit for the deed I had to do.

    My heart went hop, my heart went thump;

    I filled the kettle at the pump.

    Then someone came to me and said,

    “The little fishes are in bed.”

    I said to him, I said it plain,

    “Then you must wake them up again.”

    I said it very loud and clear

    I went and shouted in his ear.

    But he was very stiff and proud

    He said “You needn’t shout so loud!”

    And he was very proud and stiff;

    He said “I’d go and wake them if….”

    I took a corkscrew from the shelf;

    I went to wake them for myself.

    And when I found the door was locked,

    I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked.

    And when I found the door was shut,

    I tried to turn the handle but….


    Humpty’s advice to Alice:

    “You needn’t go on making remarks like that, they are not sensible, and they put me out.”

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