Writing In The Raw…..Through Herself & Back Again

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Love is like oxygen….not enough & you’re gonna die

in through your nose, out through your mouth

moving in silent desperation… a hypothetical situation…….

She had no idea how far down she’d gotten. To her it seemed as though everything was perfectly normal, that the connections she was making were absolutely viable & all was right in her world. From time to time someone would float thru & give well meaning advice….but she could see they hadn’t their own shit together, how crass of them to think they knew better than she what to do to feel better. & she felt fine~ Really

fine, fine, fine…..on cloud nine

round like a circle in a spiral………..

living on nerves & feelings with a weak and lazy mind……..

Stumbling deaf drunk and blind

I wish I had a sense of humour keeping the saaaaaadness at bay….

She had given her all to make them better & it Just. Wasn’t. Enough.

For the very first time in her life she couldn’t kissitandmakeitbetter

shattered….scattered…BUH-BUH-DUHDUHDUH…I’m in tatters

my analyst told me I was right out of my head

the way he described it I’d be better dead

I didn’t lisssssssen………..

roll for health….minus twelve, no bonus

she couldn’t MAKE them want to live & felt she’d let everyone down…

A wheel within a wheel….never ending story…..lalala lalala lalala

Someone left the cake out in the rain, all the sweeeeet green

sweeeeeet dreams, get in the limosine

soon we’ll be away from here

step on the gas & wipe your fuckin tears

it’s a pity party & she’ll cry if she wants to

Forgive me, forgive me, I’ve let you down………..forgive me please….mea culpa

and it hurt

to be such adisappointment to them all….

to not save them, not be able to save them

for what or whom she had no idea

she felt like a failure

she was a failure

was it those one or two stray thoughts of pure meanness?

if she could’ve held those away…at bay

would anything be different

did that one thought change the balance?

and I dreamed I was dying

She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land

Just like she’s walking on a wire in the circus…….

she tucked her emotions down deep inside herself

she wrapped herself in the cotton wool of xanax and weeds

not allowing any feelings in

they hurt

too much

so much easier to not feel

to cover the sharp shards of feeling

in the cotton wool

insulating herself from the pain of her failure

of loss

she walks in the air between the rain through herself and back again…..

I let you down, forgive me……

If she could just stay in the warmth of the bath until someone awoke her heart would keep beeting….no need to disturb anyone, the warmth would keep her going for just a bit longer

someone would wake soon to help her up and get some air in the room

smoke was filling up in the corners of her world

as the torches puthered around her feet…their dying embers winking out one by one

rising on the hot air currents

they disappear

riding off into the sunset

boogety, boogety, boo

fever rolled up to a hunnert and five

it is more than she weighs

gonna roll on up….roll back down

dwaa na na, dwaa na na, dwaa na na, teedley deedley dee

roll for health….minus nineteen, no bonus

shattered…..scattered…..I’m in tatters

electrolyte levels like an alcholic heroin junkie…..are you sure she’s not a closet alcoholic?

Many levels aren’t even registering

Nooooooo…….. she doesn’t like alcohol

a very ver cheap date

a glass of wine sends her stumbling to bed

do you do illegal drugs???

Do you?


Un poquito mota, solomente

ten legged spiders clamberingcrawl up her arms turning her skin to pink marble with hideous opaline veins that throb wildly

they puncture a vein to draw off the poison and her blood plods into the tiny crystaline vials like mud

the green eyes have fear

they turn away quickly

lest she sees how desperate the situation is

don’t let it get away, don’t let them turn my blood into gollems

mum, dad…..it’s eeeeeevil……..

I was talking to my doctor down at the hospital

He said, Hon, it says here you’re fourty-nine,

But that’s just impossible

you look like you could be a hunnert-leventy-three

she pulls back her hair and screams I don’t really wanna live this life

the rictus of her grin scares the boy

he turns away crying

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I need all my fluids please

I want a cuppa tea

or three

you can never have too much sugar

we have to get to know one another before you can take such advantage

well I’d like to get to know you…yes I would…….

its NOT fucking FAIR

it never was though, was it?

Really?

who gave you that idea becauze its just bizzarre & you must be a loon to think that

loon, she’s a loon, a looney….yup, yup… a looney tune…. a day in June

you did all you could and more         its never enough, they always demand more

she has no more to give……..

she’s just give slap out, Just. Slap. Out.

You should’ve took more than you gave

we wouldn’t be in this mess today……..

When did you eat last?

EAT?

What is that, pray?

Maybe December?

Its been a long December

what year are we?

its gone, gone, gone….I don’t know where I am, I’m on the road again..

..DUHDUH-DUHDUH    Gone, gone, gone….deedle, deedle, deedle dee

you can gaze out your window get mad & get madder…..throw your hands in the air

saying what does it matter

It don’t do no good to get angry, so help me, I know

a heart stained with anger grows weak & grows bitter

you become your own prisoner

as you watch yourself sit there

caught up ina trap of your ver own chain of sorrow………..

Chai, chai, chain….chain of fools

must be the season of the witch

you gotta stop this no good bitch…….

next thing I remember I was lyin in my bed, couldn’tna been much more than one or two

it was late in the evening and the musics seeping through

whoaoaugh, whoaoaugh, there’s a disturbance in the force

shhh, she said, I know….it’s only in my head……..

she lay on a grey granite slab

on top of the moors with the scent of the heathers and sheep dung and the cries of peregrines calling her name

& orders a marguerita, with no salt….in her eyes

stirred not shaken

the road not taken

can this road be taken, taken at all….

the most beautiful sound that I eeeeeeeeeeeeeever heard…………

ave maria…….

and the slab fell away

went roaring into the valleys of the moon

great tiers rose around her

a Colosseum

of the ones of before

filling all the space

they each held a thread

all the threads are connected

a great spirograph of light and sound

the great web of the world

the energy patterns

the ley lines of the universe

a tapestry of time and light and sound

it’s alright ma, I’m only dying

you become your own prisoner caught up ina trap

your very own chain of sorrow

sing tanana….she’s a rich girl

O abuela I’m coming

no es tu tiempo mi hija

tu tiempo no es horita

pobrecita, pobrecita

POR QUE???

Why gramma, why

why do I see this so clearly

Escribe el libro

you’re the only one who can

Ju are the only one to see your thread

you must eshow it to de others

aye pobrecita, eeets hokay

besos, muchos besos

caught up ina trap of your ver own chain of sorrow………..

she curled into a ball

as the wind whipped her hair away

she turned into eggwhites

sliding towards the edge of the robyn egg marble

and the calliope crashed to the ground……..

impeccable manners will keep the doors from slamming

(Peevishly)why does everyone jump when she pushes her button & I can’t get fresh ice?

Daddy she cant hardly gasp for air & yet says thankyou

nice matters

reach out reach out & touch some one….reach out & just say

thankyou,thankyou,thankyou,thankyou,thankyou

danke shoen, darling danke shoen

reach out & make this world a better place, when you can……..

Bitte, please, por favor

not enough & you’re gonna die

Its really not that fucking hard….so many have said so, why does no-one

lissssssen godddDAMmmmmit

love….its just LOVE

the difference is just a letter

selfesh/selfless

why do they make it into mountains

when it’s All. For. Love.

it’s all good

she goes cold

eggwhites won’t run cold

maybe she can keep from sliding over the edge if she can just stay cold

can’t you see my walls are crumbling………….

roll for health….minus nineteen, plus 3 bonus for instinct

a million twelve legged spiders crawl into her nose and throat

stringing sticky web behind them

they clog her passages

they clot her blood

they clod her air

never was a cornflake girl…….

But she was turning into a blueberry….

oompa loompa loompety-do I’ve gotanother riddle for you….

What ‘ave I got in me pocket?

Her brain was swelling…. or shrinking

she wasn’t sure which

she was turning into a mongoloid child….

She was going mad

a stark raving looney

Too much water on the brain

water under the bridge

trolls & beasties

beating her head till it was so swollen

O so swollen

and she’s far away somewhere in her eiderdown

and she dreams of crystal streams ,days gone by they would lean

laughing fit to burst upon each other……………..

Look at the funny mongoloid child

heeheeheehee heeheeheehee

shuddup shuddup shuddup shuddup SHUT UP

its not that funny is it

aaaayieee duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duhduh duhduh duhduh duh TUSK!

Aaaayieeeeeeeeeeeeee

all I need is the air that I breeeeeeeathe…………….

Not enough and you’re gonna die…….

She pants like a puppy

in tiny short gasps

thankful…..nay grateful………… for every mililitre of oxygen

lung capacity 57ml

bp 183/62… temp 104

that can’t be correct

in through your nose, out through your mouth

make my bed out of wonderbread

a marshmallow pillow for my head………

they gave her noxious poison yellowgreen smoke

they said it would kill the spiders

in through your nose, out through your mouth

in onetwothree, out onetwothree

in onetwothree, out onetwothree

smoke danced through

a cotillion cloud

a waltzin 3/4 time

and the spiders turned to ashes

that bubbled incessantly from the edge of her mouth

you can’t walk their path

you can only tread your own

lead by example

you know…..go your own way………..

Go your own way……..

a perfect paisley of octarene  

silently crept down her cheek

in a great cacophony of yurplene light

the etch of its path

infinitesimally returning the marble to flesh

roll for health…..minus eight, plus 2 bonus for poison gases, plus 1 bonus for warmth

can’t you see my walls are tumbling…….

shhh, she said, I know….it’s only in my head……..

Sing Tanana, tananana she’s a rich girl

och, ye wee daftie

ye dinna think ye kin hide in there forever do ye?

Ye must come out, come out, come out wherever you are

and the pilot said that in fourteen minutes

he would have them at the terminal gate

Dance in the dark of night, sing to the morning light……..

And the locusts sing off in the distance…..

The pixies can’t keep you hidden anymore

the majik grows thin… you must awake

roll for health….. minus four, plus 2 bonus for warmth

but I haven’t yet had tea

you promised me tea

she turned her head in silent despair and there he was

suddenly filling all the available space with his presence

a great ebony dragon

with black diamond claws holding her safe in the palm of his hand

he set her gently down

better dear?

Och, aye

how do you catch a wave upon the sand?

his natty little tweed jacket made her twitter, her eyelids crinkle with giggles

the threads of ochre and dursty green just so Wrong on him

they should be a deep periwinkle to match his eyes

and grey to set off his scales

the susserating of them whisper sethhhhhhhhhhhh, sethhhhhhhhhh

a tiny boat drink umber ella appeared upon her head

made of tinfoil thread

it expanded, grew

became a lace sunhat

a hat that shone like the suns, emitting light from the tinfoil threads

in every imaginable colour

diamonds dancing in shafts of light

sent by the haberdasher

just for her

you wear it well…. a little out of time but I don’t mind

she had a cuppa tea

from a china cup so thin you could read a newspaper through it

her grammas teacup

as ever unconsiously her pinky aloft

living her life just like a movie star…..

fell in love to the sound of the guitar…….

andalucien gypsy fiddle music makes her soul sing out

a wailing cry with longing for life

all that I have left & music is her name………

Roll for health….. plus one, plus 2 bonus for impeccable manners

My love is an anchor tied to you

tied with a silver chain

chai, chai, chaiaiaiain, chain of fools

the smoke turns to mists

the dragon shrinks and flies up to her shoulder

holding up her hat of light to save her the effort

a snake winds its way around her ankle

black to yellow will kill a fellow

red to black is good for jack

there is no red or black or yellow

tans and browns

creams and umbers

the world is fresh and new

the snakes fang touches her jaw

a kiss of hope he gives

the calico lays down beside the snake

keeping count of her breaths, her heartrate, for her

she no longer has to worry

in onetwothree, out onetwothree

in onetwothree, out onetwothree

the waltz continues

it’s never too late for a happy ending…….

she’s a rich girl…. sing tanana, tananana

she got diamonds on the inside…….

The black dragon left them there

with magic runes writ in gold to bring the balance back. Bring it back. Bring it back.

The mists coalesce

become substantial, viscous

the waters at her feet run clear

great lotus flowers rise from their clear depths

riding the multieverchanging hued bubbles

subltle shades and hues

icecream dreams with edgings of viralene, dimiscue and plue

and the lotus sang off in the distance

their chorus brings her spirit peace

their light easeing her aching lids

the faeries and pixies fly~dancing upon the wafting scents

of vanilla and thistle

canteloupe and black beans

the brownies and greenies

bring rich earthen cookies thick with peatscent and acridiron

srirring her appetite

food glorious food, hot sausage and mustard……….

While she’s in the mood, a nice flan custard………..

Roll for health….. plus seven, plus 2 bonus for harmony, plus 1 bonus for rhyme

Beams of Lights emit from her toes and fingers

the faeries rejoice

dancing in the rain of their tears of joyous wander

she is not lost

she’s building a mysteria

lavendar chandeliers of light

edged in periwinkle green

and cream

thick double~devonshire cream

Hello my love I have a gift for you

In the garden – I see …Purple shower, bells and tea

Orange birds and river cousins dressed in green

Pretty music I hear – so happy and loud – blue flower echo

From a cherry cloud

At last the sun is shining, The clouds of blue roll by,

With flames from the dragon of darkness, the sunlight blinds her eyes…

Who will buy

this wonderful morning

I’m so high

I swear I could fly

who will buy this glorious morning

and put it in a box for me

and I said welcome home

it sure is nice to see your smiling face……..

Sunshine

isn’t it nice to be home again




with feeling

164 comments

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  1. this belonged on the FP.  

  2. As a kid I had a particular fever dream that used bother my mother who was an RN and pretty matter of fact.

    The dream was I was at the bottom of something, rocks were falling on me and I could hear deep grave voices murmuring.

    They would start to chant. A few times my mother couldn’t get me out of the dream without literally shaking me and icing me down. I had pretty bad throat and ear infections as a young one. They stopped when I was almost too young to even remember them at maybe five or six. Then years later at 18, I got my tonsils out and had a mild post op infection and had the damn dream again. it sorta freaked me out like I was crossing over to another side.  

  3. I have so many questions but I don’t know what protocol dictates here.

    I understand you were (are?) sick. I don’t know what from but I do hope you are feeling better.

    Did this writing result from your illness? If som, was it better for it?

    Please forgive the stupid questions. Is WITR stream-of-conscience or about baring soul? They don’t have to be the same but you can see how I could be confused by your piece.

    This is really great writing. Thank you.

    • nocatz on April 4, 2008 at 3:57 am

    Fuck.

  4. pure. brilliant. i devoured every word.

    now i’m crying because i don’t understand. and yet, it’s all so clear. so personal.

    fuck. Ria. bringing me to the edge of consciousness… the border i don’t want to cross.

    i called you a wizard. because you’re lyrical and magical. but i didn’t know it. until now.

    just how right i was…

    and i love you for this.  

  5. it will knock him out…  

    • kj on April 4, 2008 at 4:26 am

    a field of them, for you, Ria.

  6. doing a WITR after reading this one. I am telling you this belongs in a poetry anthology.

  7. There’s plenty of time to leave later….and this planet is just starting to get interesting!

  8. Oh {{{Ria}}}

    I’m still soaking this in.  Will return many times to read this.  I love the calico and the tea cups and the dragon in the tweed jacket.  Ria in WonderLand! Or is it IglesiaLand?

    I also liked the song lyrics intermixed.  Most of them I recognized – I’ll have to go back and figure out the rest of the songs. I think that really added to the imagery.

    • Alma on April 4, 2008 at 5:00 am

    Bravo!!!!  standing ovation  (clap, clap, clap, whistle, whistle, whistle).  

    I hope your recovery goes quicker than they think.  A year is a long time.

    I’m also glad that you figured out that theres no reason to fear death.  I think thats one of the big life lessons that we learn.  🙂

  9. overwhelms me. And I think Mary Oliver couldn’t hold a candle to this. But as I was reading, I thought of Oliver’s poem The Journey. I’ll just link to it because you’ve probably already seen it before. And if not, just take a look when the time is right.

    • RiaD on April 4, 2008 at 5:22 am
      Author

    i’ll check back in tomorrow

    thank you all for understanding

    for your happy thoughts

    i’m ever so glad we’re all here together

    ♥~

    • Metta on April 4, 2008 at 6:31 am

    I bow my head lovingly toward you~

    I don’t know when this happened because I have been scarce around here lately but as soon as I got wind of it I’ve sent healing thoughts your way.  A disturbance in the force indeed!

    This story reminded me of an artist acquaintance of ours who suffered a sudden and mysterious illness.  She had a lengthy period of recovery also.  Her malady was blood related somehow.

    I am so glad to hear you are on the road to recovery.  I dare say, the songs you referenced will all have  new meaning to me.  Your writing transported me and brought me in touch with some of those times in my past when the looking glass allowed me to pass through.

    A sante’.  Eat and sleep in health most abundant!!

    • frosti on April 4, 2008 at 7:49 am

    I am impressed that you can write the sequences of thoughts, depicting the jumble.

    When I was in college, my aunt Peggy had encephalitis and wrote my a letter such as this.  It was strange, and I wish I kept it.  I would have so many medical questions for you.  I love detective work.

    I wonder why they think it will take so long to recover?  I am wondering, was it brucellosis, was it west nile virus, was it, was it and was it, this or that?

    Stay well.

  10. we have to invent a new word, because “writing” seems too mundane for what you’ve done. So trippy and intense and real – all at the same time. A terrific read, but the best part is that you’re back among us!!!! Big hugs!!

  11. completely at a loss for words. (And that’s pretty fucking hard to do.)

    • H2D on April 4, 2008 at 9:44 am

    say something here that could do justice to what you’ve just written, but I just can’t seem to come up with the right words.  So instead I just want to let you know that this is simply one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read, Ria.

    I’m like getting visuals and…just wow…

    I just don’t even know how to put into words what I thought of this…

    The talent level here in this series is just unbelievable, and this piece especially needs to be put on paper so we could have a ‘hard copy’ to lock away in a library somewhere so it’ll be around forever…

    …………………

    I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderful it is to see you around here again, too Ria…sooooo happy that you’re back home!!!

    Take care of yourself, and I wish you the speediest recovery possible.  As in, like, yesterday!

    🙂

    {{{{{RiaD}}}}}

    And it’s all the more incredible that you were able to share this so soon – my own sickness (meningococcal meningitis) was almost 10 years ago now, but I still don’t even like thinking about it.

    I spent three days in the ICU, mostly in an infectious disease tent; and then when I got out of there into a regular room (four weeks in the hospital, and then one more week of in-patient physical rehab…) I almost immediately lost all of my hearing and developed infections that almost led to 3 of my limbs having to be amputated.

    I remember laying in that bed unable to move anything (couldn’t even move my neck…I was for all intents and purposes completely paralyzed for about a week), wishing I had died…

    And then they’d come into my room every three hours (I think, maybe every four…but it was quite often), 24 hours a day to take blood.  And I’ve always hated needles…so I was awoken from one nightmare at like 3 AM, only to face my nightmarish reality and also to be jabbed repeatedly with needles…

    The stuff they were giving me (I stopped even trying to count how many things they were sticking into me and making me swallow and etc…) eventually cleared the infections up, but then soon after that my knees regularly swelled up with fluid (to like, the size of a softball…) that had to be drained every other day or so…via long needle, of course…

    My own recovery was sort-of mixed –

    I kept my arms and legs…although my right knee is still screwed up.  Every now and then, maybe once or twice a year or so, it gets to where I have to walk with a slight limp for a few days at a time…but other than that, everything usually works fine.

    They told me in the hospital that I’d probably never get any of my hearing back; but I did eventually get about half of it back in my right ear (only got about 5% back in my left ear, though…) – and so with a hearing aid, I can almost hear normally as long as my right ear is towards whoever’s talking to me.  But that’s only on the street or in a quiet place…I can’t do bars or most restaurants or anything like that.  I mean, I go to them obviously…but I can’t carry out any sort of meaningful conversations with anybody in those places.  I just sit quietly (and ‘dorkily’, heh…) in the corner…

    It’s never been proven, but I also suspect that I have a bit of brain damage from that, too…it doesn’t happen often, but I momentarily forget where I am every now and then.  And another thing that happens a few times a week is I’ll be talking to somebody, and then I’ll just completely like ‘go blank’ and forget what I was saying, or what it was that we were talking about until I’m reminded.  But even then, it’s still kinda ‘fuzzy’ after that.

    ……………………

    Okay well wow, I just wrote much more than I intended to when I sat down to start this…sorry about that!

    Sleep (and eat!) well, my friend…

    🙂

  12. That Tori song was a looooong time ago, wasn’t it?

    Nice job. 🙂

  13. its amazing and beautiful for the rest of us, but probably so vital for you.  

    thanks for sharing it.

    i could ramble for paragraphs about the specifics…i wont bother, its perfect as it is…

    however, i’m charmed and inspired by the fact that you just kept rolling the damn dice.  that takes optimism..hope..and a bit of confidence.  im going to borrow some of yours, via this essay.

    brava!!

    • srkp23 on April 4, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    ’round here, we always stay up late, ’round here, something radiates.  

    • Robyn on April 5, 2008 at 4:54 am

    I could never write in that manner.  I wouldn’t even know how to begin.

      • nocatz on April 4, 2008 at 5:12 am

      nothing really special


    • RiaD on April 5, 2008 at 6:35 am
      Author

  14. she walks in the air between the rain through herself and back again…..

    …the luminous-solid-ephemeral formings and dissolutions with incredible grace.  There appears no clear demarcation between these many worlds.

    And I love being the purveyor of the tinfoil hat!  Thanks for this fine work, Ria.

    1. i feel your loving spirit curling up with mine at times

      And sometime, when you have the time and energy, I’d love it if you would take a look at the video in this essay I wrote last week. As I read what you’ve written, it sounded like you completely tapped into your right brain consciousness – totally raw. So when/if you get the chance to watch it, I’d love to hear what you think.

  15. …that you emailed me to tell me to read this.  As I said, I’d been very busy with nonsense, and you called me back to the wonder and the beauty.  

    Thanks for your beautiful writing, your honesty and your courage.

    Love Love Love!

    • on April 8, 2008 at 3:02 am

    dont know much but know it was good writing!  thanks mom!

    here is something i want you and everyone else to see (with subtitiles for those who cant understand japanese) took me awhile to find it with subs and they are ok(not exactaly the same as the japanese but close)

    dont know how to put the video in the page but here is a link

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v

    hope everyone can see it!

    once again thanks mom and continue to eat and get better!

    like the kids book about the damn turtle and rabbit…little by little wins the race!

    and leeps you living!

  16. There are no words….

    just love for you and a sense of being there many times….

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