Thank You, G.

Dear G,

The writers’ strike goes on.  

In a TV comedy drought, your once-in-an-epoch, no-reason-for-it-but-sheer-hilarity jerk-hump of your own campaign has been pure gold.  Even asking your staffers to go without pay to continue the laughter.  We want you to know we appreciate it, G.

As your election prospects go down the drain, this post is in honor of you, from us, your adoring fans.

From arranging to have your wife call you during speeches to freaking out at voters on sidewalks, not a week has gone by in your comedy series without ineptness of Castanza-level imcomprehensibility.  

Unless Jason Alexander runs for President as a joke under the slogan “Master of America’s Domain,” we can expect no more inspired, who-could-have-thought-of-it comedy series this TV season.

You’ve continued it for sooo long, the stumbling drunk, screaming lunatic in the park persona.

“They hate you,” he says of the Islamic terrorists [whom the woman apparently didn’t ask about], bringing his hands up to his chest. “They don’t want you to be in this college, or you, or you – -.”


Mr. Giuliani wheels around and points toward another middle-aged woman in the front row, who looks momentarily startled. “And you can’t wear that outfit because you’re showing your arms.”

Some doubted you could keep it up, and keep it hilarious.  But you have never once flagged in your endless self-parody.

Let’s look at the numbers.  Neilson gold:

South Carolina: 5 (1/13 – 15/08), 5, 5, 5, 6, 8, 10, 9, 12, 12, 11, 16, 13, 17, 17, 17, 12, 23, 9, 19, 13, 26, 23, 19, 17, 16, 23, 20, 23 (9/6 – 10/07)

Rudy Giuliani: Republican primary.  Likely voters. 29 polls, most recent first.  January 15, 2008 to September 6, 2007.  Numbers from

This is awe-inspiring.  Anna Kournikova couldn’t tank a match like this.  But where we could chalk up Kournikova’s career arc to forgivable youth, in your case, we, your knowing fans, see the hidden message of your ass-plunge into porridge.  Sheer hilarity.

The willingness to sacrifice yourself for the sake of hijinks is truly admirable.

There was no other reason for it, G!  We get it!  A man with the slightest regard for his own public image would have played the dignity card at some point!  

Thank you.  

Some doubted your steely resolve and your ability to continually and needlessly turn yourself into an Aesop Fable about lack of self-awareness.  Journalists kept hoping you’d give it up.

Giuliani begins to move beyond Sept. 11

Candidate who had been 9/11 all the time, every time, broadens focus

By Matt Berger

NBC/National Journal Reporter

updated 1:20 p.m. ET, Tues., Dec. 4, 2007

MANCHESTER, N.H. – As Rudy Giuliani roamed around the stage at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics on Monday, you could almost forget that he was the mayor of New York City on Sept. 11, 2001.

But we, your knowing fans, saw the joke.  You didn’t even try in New Hampshire.  This was just a masterful feint, a manipulation of the media into playing straight-man to your Borat.  Soon enough:

Giuliani invokes 9/11 when asked about Hillary’s tears.  On MSNBC’s Morning Joe, Rudy Giuliani discussed Hillary Clinton’s “emotional moment.” “This is not something I would judge anyone on,” Giuliani said. He then quickly slipped in a reference to 9/11, pointing out that it was impossible for him not to feel emotion then:

The reality is, if you look at me, September 11 – the funerals, the memorial services – there were times in which it was impossible not to feel the emotion.

The delightful predictability of “The reality is”, no matter how pointless the context, was just the icing on the cake.   G, we didn’t doubt you for a moment.

And we responded.

Florida: 23 (1/13/08), 18, 19*, 24, 16, 28, 29, 25, 19, 21, 32, 30*, 26, 38, 29, 27, 36, 31, 36*, 34, 31, 30*, 27*, 29, 35, 29, 26, 24, 24, 21, 28*, 30, 34, 26*, 21, 22, 30*, 33, 27*, 30, 31, ,31*, 27, 32, 30*, 31, 31, 27, 32, 29*, 31, 38*, 31, 35*, 36, 38*, 28, 29*, 30, 46, 47, 45, 43, 42, 40, 39, 46* (5/22/06)

Rudy Giuliani: Republican primary.  Likely voters (except “*” for registered voters).  68 polls, most recent first.  January 13, 2008 to May 22, 2006.  Numbers

McCain taking the Florida lead on January 9, soon after your Hillary-tears-9/11 comparison?

Losing to John McCain?

Comedians will study you forever.

National: 13 (1/9 – 13/08), 9, 13, 12, 10, 15, 18, 20, 20, 20, 20, 27, 18, 23, 21, 21, 22, 24, 25, 22, 26, 23, 25, 22, 26, 23, 25, 22, 26, 24, 29, 33, 28, 25, 29, 29, 33, 28, 34, 23, 30, 27, 31, 31, 32, 24, 29, 32, 27, 30, 34, 23, 22, 30, 26, 32, 28, 34, 26, 24, 32, 28, 27, 34, 22, 28, 24, 27, 29, 32, 28, 28 (08/13 – 16/07)

Rudy Giuliani:  Republican primary.  No listing on voter status.  72 polls, most recent first.  January 13, 2008 to August 13, 2007) Boldface indicates Giuliani leads all Republican candidates. Real Clear Politics.

The mayor of New York City on 9/11, losing to Mitt Romney?  Losing to Mike Huckabee?  And all because you come off as such an incomprehensible fool?

G, no one is more of a fool than Mike Huckabee.

We get it.

You’re the man.

Anyone else, anyone else would have packed it in, called it a day, and started campaigning like an adult.  Any other human being would have let 9/11 speak for itself, and tried to take the Presidency by simply shutting up and letting the empty symbolism speak for itself.

But it is now obvious to all, as has been to your most devoted fans for some time, that you never intended to win the Presidency.  You intended to make us laugh and warm our hearts.  And for that we thank you, G.

As you head off into the sunset, tipping your hat, electoral prospects in the ass-heap of history, we thank you.

You done good.


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  1. Also at DailyKos.

  2. [Hope you don’t mind my re-posting my comment on Kos]

    For a year, I’ve believed that the Rudy candidacy was a joke — so many skeletons, his closet resembled the catacombs — Kerik, Judith, gay roommates.

    Gravity has rendered its inevitable pull downward, but it still took a hell of a long time.

    We were also casting the Giuliani Mel Brooks movie on Kos.  My choice was Wallace Shawn.  Or maybe Moby.  I’d also add Marcia Gay Harden as Judith Nathan, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Bernie Kerik (Hoffman can play anyone, right?)

    • kj on January 18, 2008 at 2:01 am

    this hugely much, LC!  Reading it made me almost wish I’d tuned into the primaries and… nothing I’ve read anywhere has invoked that reaction!

  3. His shtick really needs an edit.  Especially in the Borscht Belt.  He should be doing material like this:

    I’ve been in love with the same woman for ten years.

    If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me. rimshot

    h/t to Henny Youngman.

    But no.  That’s too elegant.  Too clever by half.  Instead we get

    The reality is, if you look at me, September 11 – the funerals, the memorial services – there were times in which it was impossible not to feel the emotion.

    As my Bobbe used to say, “I need this like a klezmer in tookis.”

    • Edger on January 19, 2008 at 3:44 am

    Besides the chimp, he’s probably done more to bury the GOP than millions of moonbat liberals could ever do. What a guy!



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