Pony Party: How Low Can You Go?

Greetings from the land that substance completely forgot (Southern California!) and welcome to the Pony Party Special “How Low Can You Go?” New Year’s Day edition. Brought to you tonight by DoodyDude (www.doodydude.com), because – given the subject matter and the author — it just seems fitting to link to a company devoted to shoveling sh*t. (Have to admit, though, it seems that I can still be shocked – there’s an Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists — WTF??? Would it be redundant to say “holy crap” at this point?)

But enough rambling! After any number of disappointing years during which I repeatedly failed to achieve such worthy resolutions as “end world hunger,” “save the whales,” or “make out with George Clooney,” the epiphany arrived! Yes, there is a simple way to achieve New Year’s resolutions — lower your standards!! Not only does it totally work, but it’s not too late to put this technique to use right now! After all, what’s today – January 1? By now, most Americans have already blown off their resolutions anyway (yeah, we know – the gym was closed because it’s a holiday, but you’re going to go back tomorrow at 6:30 am and be totally ripped by summer …riiiiiight).

Face it – if you really wanted to be a better person you wouldn’t wait until January 1 to change. Do you think Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I would love to lead the civil rights movement, but cut me some slack. It’s only August – check back around New Year’s, ‘kay?”  

So let’s be honest. Clear the slate. Start fresh. Use real world, achievable goals. Here’s an example: A couple years ago, when it finally sunk in that my resolutions were only making me miserable, I swore off self improvement (obviously!) and decided to replace it with something I could succeed at – but what? Faced with a pretty limited array of choices, I picked the one that seemed most realistic. I gave up velour. Voila — 365 days later, I was home free! And, best of all, there was absolutely no sacrifice on my part, since – other than the dog beds — I live in a velour-free zone.

Last year, I shared this resolution revelation with some friends. Fellow losers under-achievers  late bloomers that they are, they embraced the idea of lower expectations way, WAY too quickly — and we came up with a master list, which we all now use as a resource guide in late December:

It’s a pretty long list, but here are some selections:

Stay away from eBay when drinking.

Stay away from online dating services when drinking.

Stay away from online gambling when drinking.

Leave hair coloring to the professionals.

Do not open beer bottles with teeth.  

Color inside the lines.

Try not park on the sidewalk again.

Always bring a change of underwear.

Do not leave behind any DNA.

Let dogs pee on roses after I smell them.

Hats off to all those noble individuals who use the new year as a time to strive for self improvement and making the world a better place. You people rock! But let’s stop kidding ourselves. We are not all winners. Some of us – right now, in our “as is” condition — are probably about as good as we’re ever going to get. So instead of spending the next year wallowing in self-inflicted disappointment, just sit back and gloat over the victory that will be soon be yours.

Feel free to record your vision for doable/dubious New Year’s resolutions in the comments and then giddy-up! The informative Front Page, plus the Recommended and Recent Essays, contain vital nutrients that will help re-grow any synapses you lose here. And remember, do not rec the Pony Party or hordes of winged love monkeys will descend upon you and you do not want that to happen. Seriously. I’ve seen the results. Not at all pretty.  

(BTW, should anyone notice a resemblance to an earlier diary (https://www.docudharma.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=3321) on the same subject, let me just say right upfront — I did NOT steal buhdy’s idea.  It’s an homage, okay, which is French for “Please don’t be mad (eyes downcast, trying to look innocent), I was kind of desperate (much batting of eyelashes here) and I won’t do it again (until the next time), okay?”)  


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  1. No-brainer resolution for 2008 — do not eat food that is  sprayed out of a can:


  2. you have a quirky and wonderful way of putting things and i think you ought to do more of it

    and here, you can post when you like (except that you did resolve to do Tuesday 6pm pony party from now on)

    that’s what i think!

    and for my resolution? i promise not to talk politics to my brother-in-law. no. honestly speaking, don’t think i could manage. hmmm…. i promise to be better at community moderation. nope. won’t work either. i can’t help myself –  i’m a troll hugger.

    okay. i’ll be less opinionated. hahahahahaha… when hell freezes over. you know moneysmith, i think the traditional routes are easier for me. it’s be easier to exercise every day than to keep my big mouth shut.

    so there it is… i’ll exercise for at least 10 minutes every day once/week and i’ll eat chocolate at least once/day. that oughta work just fine.


  3. …is difficult.  The whole body latex thing is really uncomfortable, especially the head piece.

    Is shaken OK?  Are you down with bacon salt?

  4. not isolated to Pony Parties… i mean write essays.

    • nocatz on January 2, 2008 at 00:56


    USC  21

    Ill      3

    (and i do mean ill)

    I hope that I just passed-out last night and didn’t do anything embarrassing.

    • Pluto on January 2, 2008 at 01:06

    My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

    I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

    I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

    I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

    I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

    I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

    I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

    When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

    Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don’t have to act as if I’ve just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

    I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry.

    I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

    I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

    The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

    If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

    If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn’t as tasty.

    A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.  

  5. low expectation resolutions, and your list is great. So I think I’ll go for broke and tackle all of them – except the color inside the lines one. I think a better one for me would be to resolve to NEVER color inside the lines. Yeah, that’s better.

    And I’ll even go so far as to add one to my list:

    I resolve to give my little Pax at least one snuggle a day, cause she gets sad when I forget.

    • RiaD on January 2, 2008 at 02:19

    to continue to procrastinate the things i really don’t want to do.

    to only do enough laundry to have clean clothes for that day & one more, even though i own enough clothes to clothe me for over a month.

    to only go shopping when we’re down to ten or less items you can’t make anything out of. (ex- chili powder, oatmeal, fatback, coffee, bulk tea, cocoa, oregano, green pepper, tuna, sesame oil)

    to luxuriate in the bath, hours at a time, to combat the stress I encounter daily


    • kj on January 2, 2008 at 18:43

    to show up for Pony Parties, Tuesday nights at 6, instead of:



    doing laundry

    ” bills

    cleaning the house

    taking a shower

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