Greetings from the land that substance completely forgot (Southern California!) and welcome to the Pony Party Special “How Low Can You Go?” New Year’s Day edition. Brought to you tonight by DoodyDude (www.doodydude.com), because – given the subject matter and the author — it just seems fitting to link to a company devoted to shoveling sh*t. (Have to admit, though, it seems that I can still be shocked – there’s an Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists — WTF??? Would it be redundant to say “holy crap” at this point?)
But enough rambling! After any number of disappointing years during which I repeatedly failed to achieve such worthy resolutions as “end world hunger,” “save the whales,” or “make out with George Clooney,” the epiphany arrived! Yes, there is a simple way to achieve New Year’s resolutions — lower your standards!! Not only does it totally work, but it’s not too late to put this technique to use right now! After all, what’s today – January 1? By now, most Americans have already blown off their resolutions anyway (yeah, we know – the gym was closed because it’s a holiday, but you’re going to go back tomorrow at 6:30 am and be totally ripped by summer …riiiiiight).
Face it – if you really wanted to be a better person you wouldn’t wait until January 1 to change. Do you think Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I would love to lead the civil rights movement, but cut me some slack. It’s only August – check back around New Year’s, ‘kay?”
So let’s be honest. Clear the slate. Start fresh. Use real world, achievable goals. Here’s an example: A couple years ago, when it finally sunk in that my resolutions were only making me miserable, I swore off self improvement (obviously!) and decided to replace it with something I could succeed at – but what? Faced with a pretty limited array of choices, I picked the one that seemed most realistic. I gave up velour. Voila — 365 days later, I was home free! And, best of all, there was absolutely no sacrifice on my part, since – other than the dog beds — I live in a velour-free zone.
Last year, I shared this resolution revelation with some friends. Fellow
losers under-achievers late bloomers that they are, they embraced the idea of lower expectations way, WAY too quickly — and we came up with a master list, which we all now use as a resource guide in late December:
It’s a pretty long list, but here are some selections:
Stay away from eBay when drinking.
Stay away from online dating services when drinking.
Stay away from online gambling when drinking.
Leave hair coloring to the professionals.
Do not open beer bottles with teeth.
Color inside the lines.
Try not park on the sidewalk again.
Always bring a change of underwear.
Do not leave behind any DNA.
Let dogs pee on roses after I smell them.
Hats off to all those noble individuals who use the new year as a time to strive for self improvement and making the world a better place. You people rock! But let’s stop kidding ourselves. We are not all winners. Some of us – right now, in our “as is” condition — are probably about as good as we’re ever going to get. So instead of spending the next year wallowing in self-inflicted disappointment, just sit back and gloat over the victory that will be soon be yours.
Feel free to record your vision for doable/dubious New Year’s resolutions in the comments and then giddy-up! The informative Front Page, plus the Recommended and Recent Essays, contain vital nutrients that will help re-grow any synapses you lose here. And remember, do not rec the Pony Party or hordes of winged love monkeys will descend upon you and you do not want that to happen. Seriously. I’ve seen the results. Not at all pretty.
(BTW, should anyone notice a resemblance to an earlier diary (https://www.docudharma.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=3321) on the same subject, let me just say right upfront — I did NOT steal buhdy’s idea. It’s an homage, okay, which is French for “Please don’t be mad (eyes downcast, trying to look innocent), I was kind of desperate (much batting of eyelashes here) and I won’t do it again (until the next time), okay?”)