No, not Jesus Christ’s election rant (he’s probably pissed, too), but Jimmy Carter’s.
Having assayed the candidates and evaluated the sorry state that we, the confused voters, are in, our great former president has a few things to get off his chest.
In a great essay titled, “I Got What America Needs Right Here,” Mr. Carter waxes indignant from the git-go:
Sometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. ‘Cause, unless I’m missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you’re gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in ’08? Fat fucking chance.
A few other gems can be found on the other side.
See, I got solutions to all your problems–I got ’em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.
You actually seem to think one a’ these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers.
But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It’s not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks.
You want compassion? Somebody who’s looking out for the little guy? Why don’t you take a look at Jimmy Carter, ’cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia.
Whew! Like I said, Jimmy is pissed–really, really pissed. And, IMO, he has every right to be.
Warning: I haven’t included the most over-the-top parts of Jimmy’s rant. So, if you go to this here Onion linky and are offended, well…you done been warned: