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“Important If True” is an irregularly-scheduled Mojo Swap Meet wherein the diarist cobbles together a collection of seemingly random thoughts, no single one of which, taken by itself, may be worthy of attention, but which, when presented en masse in a veritable mélange, a pastiche, as it were, of cerebral offal, might thus put to rest any niggling doubts that you may have had about whether the effort would be worth it. Or, to paraphrase someone, you should waste no time in reading this . . .
- but definitely spread the mojo around in the comments! Thanks for reading!
SAD, AND TRUE: Yesterday’s brutal killing of Benazir Bhutto has precipitated much discussion about the U.S. relationship with Pakistan, our erstwhile ally in The Business Formerly Known As The Global Struggle Against Violent Extremists®. (continued below)
SINCE SEPTEMBER 11, the U.S. has given Purvez Musharraf’s regime some $10 billion in military aid, and some voices now are – in Very Serious Tones – calling for accountability in determining just exactly how that money was spent. Heh. Now, let me see . . . we’ve spent, what, about half a trillion dollars so far in Iraq? And the projections are that it will ultimately cost us, what, two trillion dollars? Yeah. And, so, Congress – that erstwhile Defender Of Accountability In The Business Formerly Known As The Global Struggle Against Violent Extremists® – decrees that unless and until Pakistan provides a satisfactory accounting of how that $10 billion was spent, the U.S. will withhold $50 million (oooh, scarrrry!) from next year’s $300 million aid package. Strong work, Congress! Umm, but, just one thing: How come you’re willing to withhold one-sixth of next year’s budget for military aid to Pakistan, but you won’t withhold any money for the illegal occupation of Iraq? I mean, billions and billions of dollars were spent in Iraq over the past five years, much of it having never been accounted for – including 363 tons! of $100 bills that were shrink-wrapped on pallets, delivered by C-130s, used as footballs by American troops, and never heard from again? Didn’t those shrink-wrapped, palletized $100 bills alone total 12 billion dollars? Why don’t you withhold funding for that craptacular clusterfuck, Congress? Mmm? Why? Why, why, why? . . . Let’s see – War On Terror in iraq, or War On Terror in Pakistan? Which one needs funds withheld, and which one needs more and more money poured into it with no accountability whatsoever? Which one, which one? Hmmm . . . Let’s see – oh, I know! Let’s look at the key differences between those two countries! Okay! How ’bout this: Which country is a longtime hotbed of radical Islamic fundamentalism? Hmmm. Or, what about, Which country is (or was, before being invaded by a certain Greatest Military Power In The History Of The World) more unstable politically? Or maybe, Which country possesses nuclear weapons? Or, try, Which country has actually dispensed nuclear weapon technology to other terrorist-sponsoring states? Hmmm – all of those answers are the same; let me think of a different question . . . I’ve got it!: Which country is sitting on top of the world’s second-largest oil reserves? . . . Ahhh – it all seems so simple now . . .
AHH, DOC, WOULD THAT IT WERE SO: Over at Big Orange Satan, Friday Night at the Movies‘ own beloved Dallasdoc made a perfectly adorable comment in dday‘s sterling diary the other day about “Fourthbranch” Cheney. Doc asked, in all innocence, “All of the protections and walls and man-sized safes Cheney has put in place — they will be under the control and at the disposal of the next administration, will they not? Any classification rulings and claims to secrecy Bush and Cheney have made can be reversed by a future Democratic president, no?” Yes, doc, they will be – just as all of the powers of a congressional majority, exercised with such ruthlessness and abandon by the Republics until last January, are now at the disposal of the Democrats, who have shown exactly the same level of ruthlessness and – aww, never mind . . .
SENDING FOX SECURITY TO THE OVAL OFFICE: ThinkProgress wonders when Bill O’Falafel will order a bunker-buster dropped on Gee Dubya, who continued to supply weapons to those who are waging war on Americans by waging war on Christmas. During his year-end press conference the other day, the Pretzelnit strolled into a crowded White House press room, muttered a few meaningless phrases, and then, standing at the podium, exploded the deadly phrase, “Happy Holidays,” scattering lethal Secular Progressivism across the front rows of the briefing room. killing the Christmas spirit of half the White House press corps. The response from Bill O’viator, has been muted thus far; the False News commentator has refused to condemn the most powerful Secular Progressive in the world (h/t AHiddenSaint) . . .
WAR? ON CHRISTMAS? SOUNDS GREAT!: EugeneF reminds us that George W. Bush is not the only heathenistic unpatriotic so-called Amrkn who thought War on Christmas sounded like a swell idea. Seems there was another fella who didn’t think twice about waging a war on Christmas. Yup – this ungodly man (clearly with no clue about the Christian principles upon which this country was founded) led a surprise invasion – on Christmas day! – against an unsuspecting, God-fearing, reverent, right-thinking group of young Christians who were properly celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, their personal lord and savior. (Many of them evidently found him at the bottom of a flagon) . . . This heathen yokel, BTW, didn’t even have enough sense not to stand up in the boat, neither . . .
NEXT YEAR IN DAKAR: Everyone’s favorite bat mitzvah-throwing war profiteer, David H. Brooks, may be released from jail after being indicted two months ago on charges of insider trading, fraud and tax evasion. Brooks, whose Point Blank body armor company made a boatload of money as a result of The Business Formerly Known As The Global Struggle Against Violent Extremists®, was sued earlier this month by Point Blank for the return of $4 million cash and other assets. Brooks told the judge the other day that – darn! – he had already sent exactly $4 million, whaddaya know? to spiritual leaders at a church in Senegal so that they would pray for his release. Sounds like it worked . . . $4 million bond? What a metsieh! Nigerian bank? Feh! Senegalese church? Stimmt! . . .
HEY, CZAR! THE PEASANTS ARE REVOLTING! DEPT.: What kind of a czar can’t even keep a
revolting perky little blonde from contradicting him about an issue involving billions of dollars and thousands of lives? Tends to undermine one’s czar-like infallibility, if you ask me. Recently crowned war czar Gen. Douglas Lute might be happier as head of the Bureau of Hey, You Kids! Get Off My Lawn! . . .
JESUS WOULD APPROVE: Harold Ramis, who wrote one of the Most Perfect Movies Ever, Ghost Busters, is hard at work on a new film, a sardonic view of the Old Testament entitled Year One. According to the L.A. Times, the film, starring Jack Black and Michael Cera, is scheduled for release in AD 2009.
WHO WOULD JESUS WHACK?: Speaking of Jesus, Rev. Mike Huckabee wants everyone to know that, being a follower of Christ and all, he would like to be shown love as he has shown love to 16 of his neighbors: by lethal injection: “If someone tries to tell you that I’m soft on crime, well that would be real news to the sixteen people whose executions I carried out. They didn’t think I was being real soft” . . .
JESUS WOULD’VE RIDDEN A QUAD: The Promised Land has been un-promised to Arizona off-roaders. For the first time that some people can remember during the BushCheney administration, the Bureau of Land (mis)Management has actually decided to close certain parts of a fragile ecosystem to off-road-vehicle users. The northern third of the Sonoran Desert National Monument will be off-limits to ORVs likely beginning next month . . . Maybe there is a God . . .
WHO NEEDS A QUAD? WE’VE GOT A QUADRILLION!: Oooh, shoot; seems like more rational heads are prevailing at the Pentagon – but not before all those big Republic campaign donors have made their billions: Military officials are having second thoughts about the efficacy of the Fort-Knox-on-wheels known as MRAPs, or “mine-resistant ambush-protected” vehicles. Yeah, ahh, yeah, it seems those behemoths – all 12,000 of them, at more than a million dollars a pop – miiiight not be the best tool for fighting an insurgency . . . Well (snort), y’know what I say to that? Insurgency, shmergency – they’re freakin’ AWESOME for making shitloads of money for defense contractors!
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