TERRORISM TAKES A HOLIDAY: So, today is http://www.infopleas… >the day the Brits celebrate an anti-Christian, civilian-bombing, government-hating insurgent by going door-to-door and asking for money (“Penny for the Guy?”). Why do the British hate America? . . . . Michael Mukasey would approve: After he was captured, before he could detonate his bomb that was intended to destroy the Protestant Parliament, Fawkes was tortured, at the explicit direction of King James, who instructed that the torture should be gentle at first, and increase in severity. (And yes, I’m sure King James had a note from his solicitor general saying that the whole thing was perfectly OK, provided there was no organ failure.) “The torture only revealed the names of those conspirators who were already dead or whose names were known to the authorities,” according to Wikipedia. Why does Wikipedia hate America?
NO MORE PENNIES FOR THE DI: Dianne Feinstein is dead to me. I have voted for her every time she has run for Senate. She will never see another penny from again, nor any vote from me in a primary election. Not only has she betrayed the basic values of progressives by her decision to approve the nomination of Michael Mukasey, she has betrayed the basic values upon which this country was founded . . . Her indefensible support of Mukasey has crossed a threshold beyond which no American – let alone a Democratic senator – should be willing to go . . . To add insult to atrocity, her pathetic excuse for kowtowing to the incomprehensibly corrupt criminal and un-American BushCheney regime was one of the most mind bogglingly insulting rationalizations that I have ever heard from any politician, ever. Time to start looking for a primary opponent for 2010 – or maybe she’ll just bow out disgracefully at age 77 . . . However she loses her job, at least she won’t have to worry about having adequate health care . . .
SPEAKING ABOUT BEING SUCKERED: As I read Kos’s story the other day about the diesel//hydrogen/turbine hybrid Hummers, the phrase that kept popping into my head was, “too good to be true” – as much as I hope it is true. Anyway, it reminded me very much of “The Curious Case of Sidd Finch,” a story that appeared in Sports Illustrated back in April of 1985. Finch, according to the article, was a completely unknown 28-year-old prospect newly signed by the Mets who threw a 168 mph fastball using an extremely unorthodox combination of techniques and gear: he wore a hiking boot on one foot, and his delivery was something like a cross between a cricket bowler and a Wehrmacht soldier lobbing a potato masher. The article was lengthy and detailed, including photos of amazed Mets pitching personnel emerging from a cordoned off makeshift bullpen, shaking their heads in disbelief. I remember I got so excited reading the article that I immediately picked up the phone and called my friend, who had also just finished reading it. After my breathless recounting of the particulars of the story, my friend calmly suggested that I check on the cover for the date of the issue. So I did: April 1, 1985. It was and remains one of the great journalistic hoaxes of all time . . . Inside tip: read the subhead on this online version of the article; it’s the same as the subhead that ran with the original article. Note the first letter of each word in the subhead. (I don’t know why the version that SI has on its site doesn’t include the subhead; it’s sort of integral to the success of the hoax, if you ask me) . . .
MAID OF THE MISSED: Those clever bastards at the departments of State and Homeland Security – always coming up with new ways to Protect der Vaterland. First, it was granting immunity to Blackwater killers; now it’s fooling the Terrists with fake tourist attractions. Some brain surgeon at DHS or State got the brilliant idea to show the Canadian side of Niagara falls in a new video put out by the State Department. Leave it to those Imagineers at Disney – who produced the video for DHS and State, ostensibly to drum up interest in tourism – to be able to convince folks that something that is Not A Real American Landmark, is – hey presto! – A Real American Landmark. . . . State Department spokesman Sean McCormack made light of the situation, chuckling, “There are two sides to every waterfall.” Heh . . .
OLD MACDONALD, DON’T HAVE A COW: Actually, the great news is, the good folks at the Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo now can breathe a lot easier. Their Terror Alert Level must’ve been raised to Screaming Red last year when they were placed – along with “Beach at End of a Street” and the Amish Country Popcorn Factory – on the Department of Homeland Security’s National Asset Database of top terror targets. Now, of course, some phoney baloney petting zoo in Regina is probably being passed off in all the tourist-baiting videos put out by DHS and State. Verrrry clevah . . . .
THE MCCORMACK FOLLIES: Now, lemme get this straight. Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency, says he has no evidence that Iran is currently building a nuclear weapon. Preznit Bush and his Fulminating Idiots-In-Arms say that Iran is building a newkyoolar weapon, or at the very least, is acquiring the knowledge to build a newkyoolar weapon, which means we must bomb the crap out of them. In other words, they’re saying that ElBaradei is full of it . . . More specifically, about ElBaradei’s statement, State Department spokesman Sean McCormack (there’s that name again!) said, “He will say what he will. He is the head of a technical agency. I think we can handle diplomacy on this one. McCormack went on to say, “We appreciate the work that the IAEA is performing but it is the member states of the international community that are going to be responsible of the diplomacy with respect to Iran and its nuclear program.” . . Now – that’s very odd, given that that very same Sean McCormack, back in April, said IAEA officials “are the only ones on the ground in the position to assess by how much Iran is expanding its programs, whether or not they’re introducing UF6 feedstock into the centrifuges, or exactly what is the state of their program.”. Ya don’t say.
YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT ASS?: As greendem reports, The Vetoer In Chief might be in for his first public ass-handing. The Water Resources Defense Act (thank God, at least the Democrats can name a bill honestly) passed 81-12 in the Senate and 381-40 in the House. In spite of those numbers, the Cretin with the Cross Pen vetoed it . . .
WHAT? YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE “CORREA DOCTRINE”?: Ecuador is not about to take any chances on someone threatening its interests in the Western Hemisphere. President Rafael Correa has demanded that, in exchange for renewing the agreement to allow the U.S. to maintain bases in Ecuador, that Ecuador be able to maintain a military base in Miami (h/t to kyril) . . .
(UPSIDE-DOWN) SUBTERRANEAN HOME SALE BLUES: As the Wall Street Journal reported the other day, one man’s unparalleled financial crisis is another man’s opportunity to be buried upside down in the yard. Yep, it seems sales of St. Joseph statuettes are booming, thanks to the tanking of the residential real estate market. As everyone knows, burying St. Joe (most famous cuckold in history) headfirst in the front yard assures a 30-day close with no contingencies. So relax, Jerome – St. Joe’s got your back . . .
“Important If True” is an irregularly-schedule Mojo Swap Meet wherein the diarist cobbles together a collection of seemingly random thoughts, no single one of which, taken by itself, may be worthy of attention, but which, when presented en masse in a veritable mélange, a pastiche, as it were, of cerebral offal, might thus put to rest any niggling doubts that you may have had about whether the effort would be worth it. Or, to paraphrase someone, you should waste no time in reading this . . .
– but definitely spread the mojo around in the comments! Thanks for reading!
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