Admit One Novel Excerpt Part III

I pulled the draft and saved your comments due to the inability to protect publishing rights here. Thanks for your comments and critiques.


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  1. on my author page.  Too tired to post the links *g*. 

    ‘night, y’all.

    • Tigana on November 7, 2007 at 4:52 am

    Take a bow, aek.

  2. aek – I got your message about setting up the creative commons policy.  I’m looking into it.

    • pico on November 7, 2007 at 7:23 pm

    It appeared as if the board will rife with scudding clouds

    Did you mean “was rife”? 

    Actually, a slight rewrite would be better: “it appeared as if the board was rife” is a long way of saying “the board was rife”, right?  The first half of the line doesn’t quite belong: “it appeared” sets us up for something that may be false, or at least subjective – but if the board is covered with clouds, the board is covered with clouds.  Do you see what I’m saying?

    • pico on November 7, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    the other three staffers were calling out disjointed phrases and exclamation, which were written in cloud tags all around the poster.

    Are the staffers looking at the board and yelling those phrases into their phones?  Or are they receiving the messages from the phone, calling them out, and then (someone is) writing them on the board?  Either way you should consider rewording for clarity.

    • pico on November 7, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    that technical with the medical info, I see no reason why you can’t be that technical with the sexual discussions – in fact, it would feel lopsided if you didn’t give the same level of detail to other aspects of the story. 

    Speaking of which – unless you have a particular brand in mind, most tubes of lubricant that are small enough to carry around in your pocket aren’t round: they’re tapered at one end so that they don’t roll around if you drop them.  Very practical!

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