New “Religion” No. 1









                                                                  T  W  A  N  K


                              As in all introductions … first day of class … there is always ….


       getting started

 OK. Settle down folks. (What an unruly mob for a Sunday.)  Stand, sit, lie down … I don't give a damn.  Just get comfortable.  (Next time I bring a whip and a chair.)  Right.  That's better.  Important things first.



This is self-explanatory.  As you look around the place, you'll see doors lithoed with one of the following three images.  They're kept fairly clean.  Any complaints, let me know.



           Albert              push/pull


          L  A  D  I  E  S                             G  E  N  T  S                         U  N  D  E  C  I  D  E  D     





 As you probably noticed on the way in through the foyer, we have an assortment of (ahem) refreshments for your refreshing pleasure.  If you're going to spend time with me on a Sunday, I'll try to make you as comfortable as possible.  So …  I've just got in a large supply of these babies.  Check them out.



  For the fans of liquid refreshmewnts, I've got wines … chilled and room temp. Twelve year old scotch, Makers Mark bourbon, Crown Royal, VO (the ladies love VO on the rocks), various vodkas.  Not too much beer but I can get that in the future if desired.

 And starting with the next sermon, an open buffet if you're hungry.  There's a well equiped kitchen here abouts so I might as well use it.

                                       Now it is time for a little  



            Some of you might wonder how a reasonably sane person decides it's time to create a new religion.  Well, I was doing some minor replying at another blogsite and one of their powers-that-be called for replies giving “political aims” of the minions.  I took twelve hours to come up with the following reply:

          (Please note: Peoples' names and blogsite name have been excluded.)


   Hi again (a head honcho).  As promised earlier, I came up with two AIMS, but I'm not sure
about that qualifier “political”.  Plenty of things seem non-political at
the outset and turn political afterwords.  I'm going to go with a VERY
liberal view of the term “political”.  One involves my tutoring profession
(a 2-4 year plan; NOT relavent to (blogsite) folks) and a second which
MIGHT directly involve (blogsite), so here's the second.  Remember, the use of the
term political is iffy.

This is a three parter, so, I want to:

1.  Start my own religion from scratch, NOT a derivative of an already existing one.

2.  Use a website to promote it (assuming “promote” is the correct verb).

3.  Use (blogsite) as the website.

And, to answer some of the questions which might immediately pop up in the reader's mind:

1.  No, this is NOT a joke.  “Serious as a toothache” was the phrase in my day.

2.  No, this is NOT some lousy $$$ making scam, BUT (big BUT) I'm a
    crappy predictor of the future. I'm NOT going to predict all future events as they might
    involve my fledgling religion.  If money exchange does get involved, quite honestly,
    I'm crappy with finances because I think this whole human “I own this, keep your hands
    off of it, I'm rich as hell, go some place and starve so I don't have to see your
    misery, LOSER!” bullshit is not only silly, it's downright dangerous to your entire
    species and, I might add, to species I REALLY care about, like hummingbirds.  Cute
    little buggers.  I should write a diary sometime.  Anyhooo, if $'s of any magnitude get
    involved, I'm likely to attempt to enlist the aid of (smart financial person) to help use the funds
    “wisely”.  It's not the basic accounting with which I would have a problem … I was
    a “plant controller” at a northern Calif. tomato/fruit processor for five years and I
    was Mr. Lotus Spreadsheet.  My problem would be knowing where to direct the funds
    to do the most “good”.  As I said, I suck at money. 

    People and your fucking money/wealth/power nonsense.  Some of you are rich as hell
    and yet allow the destruction of your entire biosphere.  If you insist on going extinct,
    would you hurry up and do so and stop dragging other species down with you?  Sheeesh! 

    So, once again, money-making is NOT a primary goal of these efforts.  But, shit happens.

3.  No, this is NOT a way to “get chicks”,  BUT, once again, if the ladies insist on
    throwing themselves at me, hey, I'm  old but I'm still semi-human.  Shit happens.

Thus, my previous inquiry about who runs (blogsite).  I've nosed around the (blogsite) site and haven't
found many (any?) religiousy kinds of things.  Apparently (very smart person) takes a dim view of
religions and religious people but, hey, that's life.

I foresee a variety of responses from the (blogsite) powers-that-be including:

1. “Hell NO!.  Take your religious …. whatever … and shove it up your ass!  We don't
    DO, we don't ALLOW that crap around here, no way, no how.  SCRAM!”

2. “Let's talk, let's hear more.”  Then you decide whether you want a public hearing
   or a private email discussion.  I don't care either way.

3. “Sure. Just fire away. We'd love a chance to ridicule your sorry ass out of town!”
   And away I type, and post diaries.

There it is, powers-that-be.  (My former alias') first multi-diary project.  What think you?

You know how to contact me.  Take your time.  Think it over.  I'm shutting down for
24 – 30 hours … other stuff to get done.  I'm outta here.




 And what response did I get, for my twelve hours of invested time?  


Needlesss to say, when docu was advertised, I jumped ship and here I am.

 Another thing you might be wondering is what I mean by the term “religion”.  Actually,
I just pulled that word out of my voluminous ass.  I mean, I had to call it something.
“I want to do … BLAAAAAAAH  … with a group of people”.  Maybe it is a religion,
maybe not.  What's in a word? 

nd so, what “kind” of people am I trying to attract to my “religion”

   1.  Thinkers.  People with active brains.  No sheep.  No drones.

   2.  Good people. 

      What do I mean by that?  One of my favorite folks, Albert Einstein,
used to do an exercise called a “thought experiment”.  Let's you and I do a “thought
experiment” together.

    You're standing on the curb of a street and you notice a frail old lady next to you
with an open purse filled with $100 bills, obviously her life savings.  Do you:

   a.  Trip the lady, grab her purse, and run away knowing she doesn't have a chance
       to catch you?

   b.  Let the lady cross the road on her own, hoping she gets hit by a car so you can
       grab her purse in the confusion?

   c.  Help the old lady across the road and say “Have a nice day” before walking away?

If your gut reaction is to choose either a. or b., YOU DON'T BELONG HERE and ARE NOT WELCOME!
Go work for the White House or Fox News.  If you chose c., WELCOME. 

  So I'm looking for good, intelligent people.  Therefore,


      Your participation will be critical to this religion.  Ask questions, post relies, discuss
shit, make it yours.  I'm the organizer, the usher.

So that's it for today.  All intro.  More of the meat of the religion in No. 2, due in
two weeks (hopefully).  I'll incorporate your thoughts/comments into each succeeding sermon
as is appropriate.

I almost forgot.  If anyone sees the landlord budhy up and about, let me know.  There's
at least one thing I would like to discuss with him.  Whether or not this essay is the proper
forum is debatable but we'll work it out.  Do landlords actually get their asses out of
bed and to church on Sundays?

Don't forget, refreshments on the way out.  Hang out as long as you want.  Say HI to
your friends.  You may want to look around the place.  What with my tutoring duties
plus putting this essay together (my first. a lot to learn) I haven't had much of a chance
to check this place out.  It has a strange history, or at least that's what the townsfolk
report.  There may be a garden somewhere.  Let me know if you find it.  Also there's
mention of a “gameroom”.  Don't know if it refers to a place for darts, billiards, cards etc
or a place with a bunch of trophies hanging on the wall. 

Some of the doors may be locked.
I've got a passle of keys but I don't know what goes to what.  I'll know more next time.

Oh yeah.  Please be careful with any door that feels … well … STRANGE.  If you get a
wierd feeling when you touch the knob, just back off from it and leave it alone.  More
on these doors later. 

That's it.  I'm uploading this puppy around 6:00 A.M. PST Sunday and I'll be back
online to check replies, comments etc at 6:00 P.M. the same day.  If you want an active
discussion with moi, that's the time.  

Finally, I always associate religion with music, so, keeping with that fine tradition, I
found this gem from the '70s.  Grab a partner … everybody slow dance.


(Marty Balin/Grace Slick vocals)

        Count On Me

Precious love
I'll give it to you
Blue as the sky and deep in the
Eyes of a love so true
Beautiful face
You make me feel
Light on the stairs
And lost in the air of a love so real

And you can count on me
Count on my love
Count on me
Count on my love to see you through

Emerald eyes and China perfume
Caught in the wheel and lost in
The feel of a love so soon
Ruby lips
You make my song
Into the night and saved by the light
Of a love so strong

And you can count on me
Count on my love, baby
Count on me
Count on my love to see you through

Oooh, you can count on me, girl
You can count on my love

[Instrumental Interlude]

Precious love
I'll give it to you
Blue as the sky and deep in the
Eyes of a love so true
Beautiful face
You make me feel
Light on the stairs
And lost in the air of a love so real

And you can count on me
Count on my love
Count on me
Count on my love to see you through             

 I'm outta here.  See you in twelve hours (or so).


Skip to comment form

    • Twank on September 28, 2007 at 11:51

    I saved my “first draft” of this sucker a few days ago and I come back and …. I CAN’T FIND IT!  This “I’m the new kid on the block” crap could get real old, real fast.  Cross my fingers that this draft is “here” in a few hours.

  1. Hmmm, like it.

    • Twank on October 1, 2007 at 04:05

    Good. A very peaceful first essay.  On to No. 2.

    Oh. yeah.  Screw You, Colman.

    • RiaD on October 10, 2007 at 14:20

    it kinda feels wrong to comment here- what 2 wks later?
    I’d seen your mention of a new religion somewhere then………….nothing more 🙁
    I’m glad I found this, finally!
    you WILL be doing More, correct?

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