Dear Surely Nubile, Young, Excited McCain Information Spreaderers:

I’ve recently read your Clarion call and would very much like to become one of the citizen bloggers who will fan out across the speedy-tubes, spreading the fresh, new, ideas of Senator John McCain.

With this in mind, I hereby submit the following potential comment, which I’d like to post:

I know most of you here are little more than communists and heathens, but I’m sure if you took a moment to look at Senator McCain’s domestic policies on taxes, social security, and heath care, you’d see that he was the superior candidate.

Dear Blogger:

Thank you for your submission, but after doing some polling on Senator McCain’s policies we’ve come to the conclusion that Americans, on the whole, favor Democratic proposals over Republican ideas on domestic issues. With that in mind we suggest you try another tact when trying to advocate for our candidate.  

Dear Surely Sharp, Attentive, Cutting-Edge McCain Brain-Jedi:

See, this is why you guys get the BIG BUCKS. Since its a no-go on domestic policy, whattaya think about THIS little gem:

I know most of you here are little more than dirty hippies and masturbators, but John McCain has pledged to stay the course in Iraq and “bomb-bomb-bomb” Iraq back into a time when people killed dinosaurs with their bare hands and pooped in a hole. Don’t you want a President who will keep America safe?

Dear Blogger:

Thank you for your submission, but after doing some polling on Senator McCain’s stance on the war we’ve come to the conclusion that Americans, on the whole, favor withdrawing over over Mr. McCain’s flailing, ever-changing warmongering. With that in mind we suggest you try another tact when trying to advocate for our candidate.

Dear Surely Mensa-level, Multi-culteral McCain Policy Wonks:

I gotta hand it to you guys… you’re SHARP… and I am undeterred!

I know most of you here are little more than terrorists and reality-television watchers, but unlike Barack Obama who CHOSE GRADE-SCHOOL OVER VIETNAM, John McCain is a real, living, war hero who had a lot of bad shit happen to him. America needs a President who knows about real bad shit.

Dear Blogger:

Thank you for your submission, but after doing some polling we’ve come to the conclusion that Americans, on the whole, are nervous about the fact that Senator McCain is so old that he must be carbon-dated and bringing up his service in Vietnam only reminds them of the age difference between him and Senator Obama. With that in mind we suggest you try another tact when trying to advocate for our candidate.

Dear Surely Rockin’, Rad McCain Free-Thinkers:

I got it. I got it. ENERGY POLICY!

Unfortunately Democrats are favored on energy as well.

Reproductive-rights?

What are those?

Housing crisis?

We don’t actually have a PLAN for that.

Barack Hussein Obama is an abortion-loving black, muslim!

Congratulations! You’ve been chosen! Commence blogging immediately!