Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links?
Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong.
ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
“This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Lindsay Bennett, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.
“It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.”
At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past six years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
MACHIAS, N.Y.— State police say a dispute between neighbors over snow removal ended with a western New York man shooting out the tires of his neighbor’s vehicle while the neighbor was sitting in it.
Troopers say they responded late Wednesday night to a report of a neighbor dispute in the Cattaraugus County town of Machias, 35 miles southeast of Buffalo.
Police say they learned a 55-year-old man got into a verbal and physical confrontation with a neighbor over snow blowing. Troopers say during the argument the man got a shotgun and shot out the tires of his neighbor’s vehicle. The neighbor wasn’t injured by the gunfire.
Charges against the shotgun-wielding neighbor include reckless endangerment, menacing and criminal possession of a weapon. The man is being held in the county jail on $10,000 cash bail.