Odds or Onions Challenge XVI

Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links?

Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong.

Naturalist: Zoos should use peepholes to respect gorillas’ privacy

Veteran British naturalist David Attenborough has called for gorillas in zoos to be kept behind walls with peepholes rather than glass panels, in order to respect their privacy. The 90-year-old television presenter spoke out after a gorilla briefly escaped on Thursday from its enclosure in London Zoo.

Attenborough said the incident was “hardly surprising” when animals are subjected to intrusion. “They are wonderful animals, gorillas. They are animals which guard their privacy,” he told ITV television. “In the forests of west Africa, they don’t live out in the open. They aren’t stared at by people.”

Attenborough called for zoo-goers to show more consideration to the animals. “Sometimes visitors to zoos are not respectful and they start shrieking or waving their arms in order to get the poor gorilla to do something.

“They are not just animals. They are related to us. They value their privacy. Just imagine what it’s like to be there.” …

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

“We used a combination of selective breeding and genetic modification methods to engineer a new type of peach that just gushes all over your face the second you bite into it,” said head researcher Margot Corman, adding that the peach variety is so slushy that the flesh of the ripened fruit instantly liquefies in your palm, causing the juice to run all the way down your arms and drip from your elbows.

“The peach is so wet and mushy that the skin just slides off, and the whole fruit loses its form and turns into a puddle of glop if squeezed.”

The scientists confirmed that the sweet, oozing fruit is best consumed over a sink while shirtless. …