Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links?
Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 1 in 3 shot at being wrong.
Officials Worried Olympic Cemetery Won’t Be Completed In Time For Games
RIO DE JANEIRO—Stressing that time is quickly running out and that construction is not nearly complete, organizers of the 2016 Olympics expressed concern Wednesday that the official Olympic Cemetery would not be completed in time for the games.
“We are only days away from the opening ceremony, but there is still considerable work to be done to ensure that the cemetery can comfortably accommodate all the athletes, media members, and fans we expect over the course of the next two weeks,” said a senior International Olympic Committee official speaking on condition of anonymity, adding that progress on the expansive, multimillion-dollar burial site has been repeatedly delayed by budgetary issues stemming from the high cost of caskets and a recent strike by gravediggers demanding better working conditions.
“At this point, less than half of the burial plots are ready, there is still scaffolding over the mausoleums, and we’re still awaiting dozens of gravestones being shipped from China. But we will do our best, and hopefully everything will be ready before the bodies begin arriving.”
The IOC official did confirm, however, that enough of the Olympic Cemetery has been completed to at least house dozens of migrant workers who were part of its construction.
Olympic Swimmer Flips Off Dad Before Every Race (It Was Pop’s Idea)
For a guy who spends a lot of time in the water, Canadian swimmer Santo Condorelli is getting known for his birds.
Not the flying kind, but the kind you flip at other people, usually in anger.
Before every race, Condorelli, 21, flashes the middle finger at his Dad, Joseph.
You know, this one.
The elder Condorelli dutifully flips back a bird of his own.The bizarre pre-game ritual started when Condorelli was 8 years old, competing in swim meets against older, faster swimmers.
“[Dad said] ‘You’ve got to build your confidence yourself and say “eff everybody else” that you’re racing,’” Santo told the Canadian Press. “He said ‘Every time you’re behind the blocks, give me the finger and I’ll give it back to you.’”
It seems to have worked, since Condorelli is now fulfilling his Olympic dream. He will be racing Sunday in the freestyle relay, Tuesday in the 100-meter freestyle and next Thursday in the 50-meter free. …
Performers Frantically Trying To Incorporate Spewing Sewage Pipe Into Rio Opening Ceremony
RIO DE JANEIRO—Looking around at one another with a mix of dismay and confusion while continuing their choreography, performers at Maracanã Stadium frantically attempted to incorporate a ruptured, spewing sewage pipe into the Rio Olympics opening ceremony Friday.
“We knew billions of people around the world were watching, so once we saw that pipe burst, we just started making up a routine around it,” said 24-year-old Maria Santos, one of dozens of samba dancers who sashayed around the pipe and performed sultry hip movements while their elaborate feathered costumes were drenched in a torrent of human excrement.
“It wasn’t easy, especially pretending like some of the dancers vomiting was part of the show. But once we all got our kicks in sync to the beat of the pipe spurting a mix of urine and shit, everything came together pretty well.”
At press time, Games organizers were trying to continue smiling and clapping as they watched a sinkhole open up inside the stadium and swallow the Olympic cauldron whole.