Snooki and Barack Discuss Afghanistan

Snooki and Obama are alone in the Oval Office.

Voiceover: “The February assault on Marjah was the first major offensive since President Barack Obama ordered the 30,000-troop surge to Afghanistan and the biggest joint NATO-Afghan operation since the war began in 2001.”

Obama: “I’m the Commander-in-Chief!”

Snooki: “Pickles is my thing.”

Voiceover: “Eight months on, the Taliban are still in Marjah in force, waging a full-blown guerrilla insurgency that rages daily across a bomb-riddled landscape of agricultural fields and irrigation trenches.”

Obama: “Why do we keep having these meetings?”

Snooki: “It’s just a big ball of fuckness. That’s a new word: fuckness.”

Voiceover: “There was peace here before you came,” farmer Khari Badar told one Marine patrol that recently visited his home in Marjah. “Today, there is only fighting.”

Obama: “The strengthened Strategic Partnership Declaration is expected to:  reiterate the United States’ and Afghanistan’s shared vision and commitment to Afghanistan’s future; clarify how Afghanistan plans to increasingly take on responsibility for its own security, justice, and development; and articulate how the United States plans to work with Afghanistan to enhance its ability to contribute to regional stability and prosperity.”

Snooki: “My first thought was: I don’t wanna clean this up. My second thought was: I just fucked up dinner. My third thought was: What the fuck am I gonna eat?”

Obama: “Why do we keep having these meetings?”

Snooki: “I thought I broke my vagina bone.. it was terrible. Please don’t tell me I have missing teeth!”

Obama: “Everybody loves me, babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal.”

Snooki: “Where are the juice-heads? I don’t see any fucking guido juice-heads, you woke me up for nothing.”

Obama: “That hater-juice is best served cold.”

Voiceover: “How do you feel about Hamid Karzai, Mr. President?”

Obama: “I want to stab him in the eye with a fucking fork!”

Snooki: “Who said that, me or you?”

Obama: “It doesn’t really matter.”