It’s Time to Invade Canada

( – promoted by buhdydharma )

Crossposted at Daily Kos

“Strike while the iron is hot.”

“Make hay while the sun shines.”

“Take time by the forelock.”

Or, as they say it in French, “Il faut battre le fer pendant qu’il est chaud.”

All are time-tested phrases in the English and French languages amounting to the same thing: the time to act and take advantage is now.  For timing is everything in peace, love, politics, and war.  Once the opportunity slips by, one may never get the chance again.  Simply put: use it or lose it.  

Patrick Corrigan, Toronto Star, Buy this cartoon


Why the urgency?  What is this terrific opportunity that’s been given to us and why must we act upon it right now?    

Yes, friends, it’s time to invade and occupy our uppity neighbor to the north, Canada.  Again. The last time we did so two hundred years ago, Canada had those nasty Brits helping them. So, after burning Toronto York to the ground, we let them off the hook.  Not this time. Who’re they gonna call… the Queen of England?  The once-mighty British Empire has been reduced to this piece of useless rock south of Spain.  Practice makes perfect.  We’ve adapted and this time, we’re ready.

Canadians have also just about exhausted our patience.  Not only are they taunting us but they are hurling insults in our direction.  Enough!  It’s simply a matter of national pride for us.  

But, you say, what the hell else have Canadians done to us?  They are, after all, polite and pleasant. There are McDonald’s and Burger King restaurants all over Canada.  They drive on the right side of the road.  They play football, sorta.  They also have professional basketball and baseball teams in Canada. They love and admire Larry King and CNN just like we do.  Canada has a Universal Healthcare system that actually works.  They gave us Peter Jennings, Robin McNeil, John Kenneth Galbreath, William Shatner, Mike Myers, Howie Mandel, Neil Young, Joanie Mitchell, and Pamela Anderson (not sure at all about that last one, though).  Hell, they even speak English and in complete sentences too. But… are “Aboot” and “Oot” words in the English language and listed in Webster’s Dictionary?  Not a problem.  We’ll just overlook that, eh.  

None of this means a darn thing.

Oh, did I mention that Canadians (not to mention the rest of the world)  just love Americans?  But, you already knew that well-known fact.

Rudy Park

Rudy Park

Rudy Park

Rudy Park,

(click cartoons to enlarge)

:: ::

For ever and ever, there is one thing the Canadians did better than anyone else on this planet: play hockey.  Or, so everyone thought.  Well, not anymore after Monday night.  So, how’s the mood in Canada?  The entire country is in a deep funk and, indeed, state of depression.  They might tolerate losing to Slovakia.  But, the Big, Bad Yankees?  No way.  As Mike Myers (Canadian) used to say to Dana Carvey (American) on ‘Saturday Night Live, “Way.”

Patrick Corrigan, Toronto Star, Buy this cartoon


Sunday, as the citizens of Canada streamed out of the country’s bars and restaurants and into a night that suddenly seemed chillier than it was a couple hours earlier, they were largely quiet.  A murmur of frustration replaced the celebration that had previously surrounded the Vancouver Olympics…

But Sunday night, the Canadians lost in hockey.  To, of all teams, the United States… Now, the entire tenor of a gripping hockey tournament — for some Canadians, the only event that matters this year, when the Olympics are at home — has changed.


:: ::

What justifies this invasion of Canada and is it even necessary?  Oh yes, as Canadian morale will never be lower and just think of all the benefits that will accrue to American citizens and, in particular, to the Democratic Party

  • We need to lift their spirits and, after our conquest, to share with them the American Dream.  The Canadian Dream is more like a nightmare.  As Winston Churchill once said, “In victory, magnanimity.”  Indeed, we are a generous people.
  • We need to lift our spirits too.  With Healthcare Reform stumbling, Climate Change legislation stalled, and the unemployment rate high, the Democratic Party could use some good news.  No better time than now to Wag the Dog.
  • After we annex Canada and make it our 51st state (50th if Texas finally decides to secede), we get two more Democratic Senators in the United States Senate.  Hello, cloture.  Goodbye, filibuster!
  • After California, Canada will instantly become the 2nd largest state in the Union.  With a population of almost 32 million people, our newest state will send 50 new representatives to the U.S. House of Representatives.  So long, Blue Dogs.  Welcome, better Democrats!
  • We need more sunny, warm weather places to vacation in.  Florida isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.  Thanks to Climate Change, Vancouver, British Columbia in February sounds really good.

  • Dave Granlund,, Buy this cartoon

    :: ::

    Are you ready for some ‘Shock and Awe?’  We don’t even need any speeches from Henry V to motivate our troops.  The Cuyahoga County Police Department from the Cleveland, Ohio area ought to take care of those pesky Canadian Mounties.

    Game, set, match.

    And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,

    From this day to the ending of the world,

    But we in it shall be remembered-

    We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

    For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

    Shall be my brother


    William Shakespeare’s HENRY V, St. Crispen’s Day Speech

    :: ::

    Ohhhh Canada!  Forgive us but we’re only doing this to help you.  It might take a wee bit of adjustment for you but decades from now, once you’ve been fully assimilated into our wonderful society, you’ll thank us for our foresight and generosity.  Pledging allegiance to the United States flag — and not to the Queen of England — might be a tough one but, hey, even some of us don’t really like our own pledge.    

    You should remember that after conquering the world during World War II, we’ve always taken a magnanimous approach towards other countries.  It’s what we do best in God’s own country.  

    :: ::

    In case you were just wondering as to what’s next on our agenda?  I’m so glad you asked as we’ve been striving for a more perfect union for well over two hundred years.  

    We do need to incorporate another country in our growing union (if only to make Ross Perot happy) and steal all their jobs.  It is not only our Manifest Destiny but in one stroke, we can abolish the North American Free Trade Union (NAFTA) and resolve our unemployment problem.

    Who better to explain this rationale than our own Baghdad Bob?  Sheer genius, if you ask me.

    Pearls Before Swine

    Pearls Before Swine

    Pearls Before Swine

    Pearls Before Swine

    Pearls Before Swine,

    (click cartoons to enlarge)

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    1. … Canadians, ever the accommodating people, blamed not the invaders but FOX News for this display of jingoism.

      Politeness is such an endearing quality.

      Theo Moudakis, Toronto Star, Buy this cartoon

      Tips for a successful invasion.  

      • TMC on February 25, 2010 at 6:41 am

      the other night but it seems so fitting that I re-post it here… North America Braces for WAR]

      Almost as fictional as your favorite newspaper!


         * Home

         * About

      « TeamUSA Hockey Win Prompts Fear of Retaliation

      North America Braces for WAR

      Tension between the United States of America and Canada continues to escalate at a rapid pace today, following TeamUSA’s 5-3 victory over Canada in Men’s Hockey last night.

      On the heels of this morning’s bitter exchange, first reported by this site’s Loren Heal, eye-witnesses report that Canada’s entire Navy has been launched into Lake Ontario.

      While Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano could not confirm these reports, proving that the system is still working, she did admit that it was unlikely that the Canadian Skulls team had been confused with Canada’s Navy. “These are the Winter Olympics, after all,” she said, displaying her competence.

      Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Barack Obama, who also moonlights as America’s Commander-in-Chief, quickly responded with a brutal apology. “The United States is deeply troubled by Canada’s feelings,” he told a gaggle of star-struck reporters earlier today. “I can only assure them that our victory last night both surprised and ashamed me. We are not trying to dominate France’s Olympics. Look at the Curlers we sent over there.” No one asked him if he meant Canada’s Olympics, as he did not take questions.


      Funny also how Canada has a “health problem”

      Is there some force driving all of this evil ya think?

      The microchip agenda.


      Sound like today?

      • Edger on February 25, 2010 at 6:41 pm

      It’s already a wholly owned subsidiary, run by a couple of part time project managers at head office in NY.

      See Goldin Sacks, Inc. for more details.

      • TomP on February 25, 2010 at 7:05 pm

      Let’s get some better Dems!!!  

      I love Mouseland!

    3. I’m all for invading them. That only makes sense.

       But annexing them involves nation building, and as George Bush said, we aren’t very goodly at that.

    4. Geography (4.00 / 2)

      And from a Vancouver resident, a lesson in geography (from the LA Times).

      “If you`re seeing mountains, you`re facing North.

      If your feet are wet, you`re in the ocean… that`s West

      If you`ve just had your car stolen, you`re in Surrey, to the East.

      But if you see people without healthcare & waving handguns…

      you`re in the States.”

      The difference between theists and atheists is that the atheists don’t set the theists on fire for refusing to agree with them.

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