In 1977 I was 14. I was one year older than Roman Polanski’s victim. That summer, I had my first ever viewing of a man’s penis. He had a knife against my neck.
I broke a bottle and held it against his, and told him he would certainly kill me, but he had better be ready to bleed first.
I cannot tell you how much weight that incident put on my young, Catholic schoolgirl, innocent shoulders. I cannot tell you how long it took for the fear of “any man may be a predator” took to recede. I cannot tell you how my own reaction, being capable of committing the most grievous “sin” of murder, hurt my soul. Until then I had a hard time even coming up with anything to tell the priest during weekly confessions. I lived my life trying to avoid sin at any cost. There was no such thing as sex ed in Catholic School. All I knew is that we weren’t supposed to think about it, and that it was holy and for marriage.
I do know there was a code of silence, and a tremendous feeling of guilt. It instilled in me a feeling that men were natural beasts, and that perhaps I had done something wrong, daring to ride my horse to a park with my friend, then laying out in the sun in our bathing suits, drinking Pepsi, eating pretzels and Reeses Cups and playing backgammon. Mentally, emotionally, I was a child. I was no sexual being. It threw me off sex until I was 19, and in love for over a year and a half, long after I had lost my religion, I finally lost my virginity.
That was not the last time I was victimized either. Later a rapist broke into my house, but thats a story for another day.
I still carry scars, from attempted rapes and domestic violence. My fear factor can still be triggered to where I cringe and run, or stand and fight. I will never be able to have casual sex, I need an extreme trust and love level. Tell me there is no baggage.
Would I have created this street chick, badass, cursing persona had I not needed armor? Who would I have been had this not happened to me? Is that person still inside me somewhere?
The backlash to Polanski’s arrest says three things to me, things that my own life has proven: