Translation of Current Traditional Media Coverage of Health Care

Volumes have been and should continue to be written about the downfall of the traditional media. Their obsession with process questions, and their “I’m bored” feelings toward discussions of substance, is painfully obvious to those paying attention. Beyond that, their reticence to point out the truth for fear of being called “liberal” is pathetic, and does a grave disservice to our democracy.

With that in mind, I offer the following translation of the spewings from the Looney Tunes characters in the traditional media as we confront one of the most important issues of our time.

“Mr. Senator, a handful of people who are out of their freakin’ minds say that the president wants to butcher the elderly. Is this true? Are these lunatics correct? Shouldn’t our public discourse be determined by people who have zero interest in solving our problems? Shouldn’t the media spend all its’ time debating the concerns of angry, armed psychopaths? Isn’t THAT the real issue here? The concerns of a fringe that is hell-bent on preventing people from doing anything remotely responsible? Shouldn’t we avoid reasonable, grown-up debates of the issues at all costs?”

“Now let me turn to you, Mrs. Cabinet Member. Who gives a flying fuck about what matters to people outside of Washington, D.C.? I certainly don’t, and neither should you. Well, unless they’re those psychos I mentioned earlier. Other than that, the great mass of this country who simply wants to know how the policies of their government are going to affect them – who gives a shit if they’re informed? Please answer only that question, and DO NOT veer off into an answer that involves a thoughtful discussion of anything of substance. I will grow tired of such shenanigans rather quickly, interrupt you before you can get very far, and move on to the next inane question.”

“Sorry Mrs. Cabinet Member! UT TUT TUT! Stop right there! I warned you, didn’t I? Didn’t I? Take that crap and tell it to somebody who cares!

Now then, Mr. Conservative Lobbyist Who Used To Be A Representative. We all know you’re being very genuine and honest when you say that Democrats want to do nothing but turn this country into a Stalinesque, murderous regime. After all, their thirty-year record of helping Republicans fellate the corporations that run this country is proof-positive of the fact that they are communists. So given that, please spend the next five minutes telling as many lies as possible, running your opponents’ names through the mud when their only crime is wanting to help out their fellow citizens, and shilling for your own corporate masters. Keep in mind that I will not call you on any of your bullshit, and will likely repeat much of it as conventional wisdom that everybody knows to be true.”

“Very good, sir! Good show! Now then, onto the token liberal we’ve brought onto the show today. For you viewers out there who aren’t used to us having anybody on the show who has a truly progressive viewpoint, remember that our policy is not to have them on because the only viewers who matter are those in the lunatic fringe of the far-right who simply aren’t interested in opposing points of view. And the only reason we have the token liberal on today is to beat up on them, and make it look like they’re the only one out there who’s crazy enough to believe that “helping people out,” “telling the truth,” “being compassionate,” “doing the right thing” junk. We specialize in liars, crooks, and hypocrits on this show, and by God we aim to keep it that way!

Now then, Token Liberal, why are you so full of shit? You say you want to help poor people, but don’t you actually want to slaughter them wholesale for kicks? Your worldview is that we should be caring, loving, honest people, but I’m going to ignore that and assume sinister intentions.

If you’re telling the truth, what you’re advocating will bankrupt our country. NEVERMIND! that Republicans are the ones who have caused most of our debt. UT TUT TUT! NO FACTS PLEASE! The Republicans and the lunatics tell me YOU’RE the one who bankrupts us, my lying eyes and the lying deficit figures be damned! So you’re obviously hell-bent on bankrupting this country!

OR, as I had previously suspected, you’re lying and you don’t give a fuck about anyone! And you want to KILL THEM ALL!!!

Please take the next fifteen seconds to respond before I allow you to be interrupted by Mr. Conservative Lobbyist Who Used To Be A Representative, who I will then allow to take up all your speaking time to spout off more lies and bullshit. You’re welcome.”

“Thanks for tuning in, everyone! I’m sure you’ll agree that my job is not to determine fact or ficiton, or to probe deeper into how your actual life will actually be affected by actual policies.

My job is to:

A) collect a six-figure salary for orally xeroxing talking points,

B) falsely make an equivalence between one side saying that 2 + 2 = 4.1 and the other side saying 2 + 2 = cheeseburgers and diarrhea and 37,000 (after all, in such a case BOTH sides are EQUALLY off-base! And if I pointed out how full of shit one side is, I’d be branded by Rush Limbaugh as liberal, and that would be so very, very bad! He’s a big, bad scary man, and his judgments and mentally unbalanced pronouncements to his zoo crew of fools are the most important thing ever!), and

C) ignoring all discussion of policy to focus 100% on lunatics, process questions, and the politics of the matter.

Be sure to tune in next week to make sure you’re properly informed! And don’t forget to take our online poll! After all this great stuff we just threw at you, you’ve got plenty to go with when deciding where you stand on the issues! Bye-bye!”