This is personal and inspired by what happened to pff, better to get it out of my system than to “pull a peeder,” (politicalfleshfeast.com) I hope. Thus do I proceed to whine.
I don’t like “owning” a blog. It is no fun. It is certainly not as much fun as blogging. Sigh, I used to love blogging!!! Especially all the exclamation points!!!
Being “The Boss” blows. It is a burden and a responsibility and the weight of it has caused me to inhibit myself. I do not feel free to be me. My comments here carry too much of that weight, when they are from The Boss and not from good ole buhdy. It is not a weight that y’all feel from me, but it is one that I feel inside of me. Acutely. There is pressure to be exceedingly fair, there is the responsibility to make judgments. I like to think I am good at it, but in order to be fair I have to constantly second guess myself, and when I fuck up, it hurts. I take it seriously. Maybe too seriously. I am sensitive to others feelings and this ‘job,’ as it turns out, involves hurting peoples feelings. As well as the unwelcome task of deciding whose feelings deserve to be hurt. That sucks.
They say that those who want power shouldn’t be entrusted with it, which is why I thought I would do a good job. I don’t want power. I didn’t start the blog so that I could have power. And it turns out, I don’t like wielding power on this level, it is not like construction, where I wielded power for the specific task of building a house. You guys don’t work for me and I can’t tell you what to do. I have to be careful of THAT too. Sigh. Thank God for the other admins! They are supportive and give excellent counsel, if it wasn’t for them….and for you….I would have thrown up my hands a few times and did what peeder has done….flee.
And really, when it comes right down to it, Docudharma doesn’t need me, to be successful. If I ever do burn out, I will hand it over to youse guys. But I did sign up for this from my own free will, so there ya go. I am not going anywhere, but I may need to whine every once in a while!