Hi, I am Hilary Clinton. You will vote for me and you will like it. Why can’t you people just do what you are told? As if we haven’t gone to enough trouble without you crazy lefties voting for Obama. Get a grip, you wild-eyed suckers. Who do you think is going to be running Congress if, as in your wildest dreams, Obama wins the general? Heh heh heh. I’ll be the Senate Majority Leader, and Rahm Emanuel will be House Majority Leader. We will keep Pantsuit Nancy around for photo-ops, but Rahm and I will be calling the shots. And we’ll make sure none of this lunatic Obama agenda of Change and Hope blather does any damage to what really matters in this great Country:
Me. Bill. Our Legacy. Our storm-tossed Love Story. And a smoothly functioning Empire, secret police, and military-industrial-petroleum complex. After all, they pay my bills, sweethearts. Got to dance to their tune, now don’t we? The problem with Obama is he doesn’t owe anybody anything. And that makes the Powers That Be nervous. They don’t have a handle on the guy. He can do whatever he wants, without paying homage to any special interest.
And we can’t have that.
(Cross-posted at the Orange Vortex of Venomous Diatribe and Scathing Insult)
Listen people, I haven’t a lot of patience left. The nerve of you supposed loyal Democrats, forcing me to travel to these small towns to have to shake hands and be around these yokels. I had enough of that crap when I had to endure Arkansas. I paid my dues. There is nowhere on this earth I plan on being once I get elected other than Hawaii for vacation, DC, and NYC. Ugh. Oh and Wellesley for a commencement speech. I’ll make Kerry introduce me. That will be rich!
Now about this Texas caucus plan we’ve got. Yeah we are going to take over the process and shut you naive Obama voters out. Yes, we are. What are you going to do about it. We own the media for crying out loud, no real story would ever past our media desk about it. All the major networks and websites call us to get approval for any negatives story. Did you really think we would allow a “free press” (oh that one always gets me) to put out a story like that?
Newsflash: the corporate media want me in so bad. They get me in, they don’t have to do a lick of work for what, 8 years? Just like Bush all over again. My operation tells them what to report, they report it, they can phone in the rest. Hell they can recycle old copy from the 1993-2000 fille for most of it. Nothing has changed since then.
Don’t worry about McCain, he’s a one-termer you know. We’ve already decided to unload on Obama so my friend John wins in November. We are pretty close, you know. Going to give me my shot again in 2012 if all this Obama nonsense gets out of hand. Good old John.
I don’t need your money. I’ve got piles. You just need to stay home in Texas and Ohio. Did you hear me? Don’t make me say it again. When it is time for the general election, we will send taxis to your house. Meanwhile just relax.
Or go away until you are called. Yes, you will come when called. Sucker liberals. You know it, and I know it. If my buddy John McCain is the other choice, you will come out and vote for me now won’t you?
Yes, you will.
I am honored to be your President.