Crossposted at Daily Kos
In a stunning political development this evening according to the Associated Press, the Florida Supreme Court has intervened in the Florida Republican Primary and declared George W. Bush the winner over Mitt Romney, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, and Mike Huckabee.
Senator John McCain, ever the patriot and loyal soldier, had this response
I knew in my heart of hearts that I’d never be able to win in a state full of geezers. Even so, I’m delighted that the prize deservedly went to President Bush. In anticipation of this development, I hopped on a plane to Washington, DC and personally congratulated the President. The voters of Florida have chosen wisely.
Senator McCain’s biggest booster, Senator Joe Lieberman, hailed the decision and said that he too preferred this outcome. “Overseas Republican ballots, particularly from military personnel, were late in arriving and including them would have only exacerbated the situation and added to the confusion,” said Lieberman. He had accompanied McCain on the flight back to Washington, DC to meet Bush. An unconfirmed report suggests that while acting outwardly in a gracious manner, McCain told Lieberman after their meeting with Bush: “I’m going to ask my good friend, Sylvester Stallone, to look into this matter of “Florida Irregularities.”
A spokesperson for the Florida Supreme Court offered this convincing explanation
When it was pointed out that Bush was not on the ballot for either party, state election official Bertha Bumble said that “it doesn’t matter. We know the will of the people and we are listening to that.”
“Most of our citizens are not able to vote anyway. We’ve got lots of old, retired Jews from up north who sit around all day playing shuffleboard and crowd the lines at the buffets. We’ve also got lots of Cubans who don’t speak English and spend all of their time using drugs and trying to kill each other. The rest of our citizens are running around on the beach half naked trying to get a cameo on CSI Miami or are getting ready to serve lots of beer to alcoholic teens for spring break.”
“Since none of those people have the time to vote, we just did it for them.”
How did the other Republican contenders react to this totally unexpected news? Not unlike McCain, they didn’t sound too upset with the court’s decision
Governor Mitt Romney: “As an accomplished, tanned skier (take that, George Hamilton) and a proud 1975 graduate of the Harvard Business School, I learned long ago that the highest democratic value is efficiency. Now, this is what I call a prime example of efficient democracy. Sorry, I have to run. I’m off to attend a fundraising dinner at the Doral Country Club.”
Governor Mike Huckabee: “I believe in forgiveness. You may know that I am world-renowned as the Governor who pardoned Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards for a speeding ticket he received in Arkansas in 1975. All I can say is that I get satisfaction from accepting the Will of God. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to join my pastor, Chuck Norris, to discuss much-needed changes to the Constitution of the United States.”
Mayor Rudy Giuliani: “Given that stubbornness and defiance are so much a part of the American character — as evidenced by my response to 9/11 — I accept this decision. Wait… I think my wife is on the phone… yes dear… yes, whatever you say… Ok, where were we? Yeah, in fact, I am calling it quits. I have accepted an offer from my good friend, actor Robert Duvall, to play his double in an upcoming Hollywood movie. You did know that actors do get elected as President of the United States, right?”
***Update***: The Associated Press is now reporting the following story, ‘Bush Declared Double Winner’
The Florida Supreme Court has just announced that George W. Bush is also the winner of the Democratic Primary over Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John Edwards. Talk about a clean sweep!
Reaction from the Democratic contenders was fast and furious. Here’s a sampling:
Senator Hillary Clinton: “It is outrageous as John McCain clearly and decisively won this primary. It is grossly unfair and unlawful. And does anyone in their right mind doubt for a second that I, and only I, won the Democratic Primary?”
Senator Barack Obama: I just knew that my father should have never left Kenya to study in the United States. Over in Kenya, they have fair and clean elections which are the envy of the rest of the world. Just as I was basking in the glow of yesterday’s ‘Clinton Endorsement’… now this!”
Senator John Edwards: “I should have listened to my high school football coach when he strongly advised me to pursue a career in professional football. Damn, if I’d done that, I, and not Lawrence Taylor, could have become the most famous football linebacker from North Carolina. Who needs this?”
What comes next is anyone’s guess. Will the United States Supreme Court intervene? Will there be ballot recounts? Will Theresa LePore supervise the recount in Palm Beach County? Will legal teams from Democratic and Republican camps descend upon Tallahassee, Florida? Will the two political parties enlist such grizzly “Florida Recount” veterans such as Jim Baker, John Bolton, and Warren Christopher? Will we see Brooks Brothers riots ala 2000? No one has a clue.
Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris, had only this to say
“I only comment on consequential matters. I’m about to go see my good friend, Bo Derek, and to enlist her support in launching my ‘Harris for Congress’ Campaign. I fully expect the State of Florida to proceed in an orderly manner. Our reputation to run clean elections is exceeded only by that of Kenya’s. ”
Former Vice President Al Gore — winner of the last Florida Debacle in 2000 and responding to a local reporter through his Nashville, TN spokesperson, Kalee Kreider — said that he had “no plans” to comment on this explosive situation. Kreider did, however, say that Gore saw “no reason for Bush snippy to get about this.”
I’ll update as more details become available in this intriguing development that the press has dubbed, “As The Florida Voters Turn.”