| The Sad Story of buhdydharma:
One of the reasons it has been so hard, nay near impossible for me to ask for help in this lifetime has been the circumstances in which I grew up. almost as much out of choice as necessity, I left home when I was 14 or 15 and lived on the streets. I worked from that age on at restaurants and went from washing dishes to becoming a darn good cook. Then I had the opportunity to get into construction, and rose over the years from laborer to carpenter, foreman, and eventually supervised multi-million dollar residential projects. Or as I put it at the time, I serviced the rich.
After decades of emotional and financial instability, I finally really got my shit together and was what I would call comfortable. But my Path does not seem to be towards comfort, lol, at least not yet! Two things happened, then. Ahunuld Scwarzengruber let the Insurance industry re write the Workmen's Compensation laws in califoooorneea, and I injured my back. Moving a piece, as the always ironic arc of my life would dictate, of safety equipment designed to keep people from injuring their backs.
To make a long story, I was permanently disabled and I got screwed by Workers Comp. Thus began my foray into blogging, as I needed something to do as I lay in bed, lol. Little did I know where that would lead, which is, hahaha, here.
For a while I lived off of the little bit of Insurance money I did get, then another serendipitous opportunity came along as a nice gift from the universe, then I and others started Docudharma. Since that time I have been living a VERY modest lifestyle of off the generous, though meager donations that have come through the blog. Though every Dharmathon asking for donations has always been a struggle to publish and has painfully destroyed a chunk of my precious pride, you guys have supported me, albeit at a subsistence level, for years now. Thank you.
I ended up, again VERY serendipitously, in a nice little converted garage apartment that suits me well with free rent out of the goodness of a good mans heart, and after years of prideful, egotistic....and painful and sometimes frightening bare survival,bit the bullet, broke down and applied for Social Security and Food Stamps etc.
I cannot express to you the psychological blow it was for me, after decades of taking perhaps excessive pride in having worked my way up from nothing to a position of relative success, to be suddenly crippled and unable to support myself. It has been a very emotional struggle, and finally nearly five years after my injury I am just coming to grips with it now. If it had not been for my spiritual training and having the good luck to have found amazing teachers in my life I would not have made it through, Instead, I have been able to recognize all of these obstacles as gifts that have lead to a simply immense amount of personal, spiritual and emotional growth. And I am just on the cusp of even more, if my feelings are correct.
What to some might seem a curse, I consider a blessing. I am just mobile enough to care for myself, have a comfortable little cozy place to live next to a man I have admired and loved all my life.....and you guys. I am blessed.
I am NOT looking for sympathy, lol. I...the I that is is just fine. Perhaps if not certainly, the best I have ever been in my life. Except for that little about to run out of food thing, lol.
But one of the things I am blessed with, lol, is obstacles. Obstacles are what make us grow, they are our teachers (as is all of life, though it DOES end up killing all of its students!) and each and every obstacle we encounter in life is there to teach us its specific lesson, and to help with us along our path. Without the obstacles we face, that life plops down in our path, we would never learn the lessons that our particular lifetimes have to teach us. Be grateful for your obstacles, they are our greatest teachers.
And now I am writing this, after all of the years and all of these hard lessons, as a way to overcome one of my obstacles, the inability to ask for help.
Please help me.
I am tangled in the web of the system at the moment, in the process of overcoming the obstacles of getting food stamps and SSI, and I am flat stony broke. Painfully so. But that pain is what has allowed me to overcome this obstacle and break down and expose my self and strip away the last (Ha!) bit of false pride and ask the people I care about and who care about me for help, and to do it in a way that is as honest and as forthright as I am capable of. I thank you both for any help you can give.....and for the opportunity to perform this act of ego destruction and overcome this obstacle.
I am sure, if the lessons of my life have not all been delusions, that now that I have committed this act, that everything will turn out fine, as it always has....IF I do the internal and external work to help the universe help me.
So I thank you, friends, from the bottom of my ego lol, for your help. Both whatever you can spare financially in these very tough times (Fuck You George!) and for being here on my journey so that I can have someone to witness and observe this part of my personal journey, without someone to observe this phenomenon hahaha, how would I be sure that it really happened???
I offer back to you what I can, in this case my blessings on YOUR journey through life, and in the future perhaps.......well shit, it is the future, who the fuck knows!
Thank you, for your help along my journey.
(MAN that hurt! And, I give thanks for the hurt as well!) |
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